The Me I See

Excerpts: It’s hard to love me as I am if no one else does. Or if I don't feel they do. For my default response is to see me as others do. Or as I assume they do. My only hope is if I can see me the way God does. For He sees me as I am and yet He still loves me.
 
How does our self-image gets distorted in the first place? It’s often when a person I  love or respect, shames, ignores or hurts me.  Rejection makes me doubt my worth. The younger I am, the more likely I’ll believe them. It’s also likely I’ll look at me in the same way they do. Or in the way I think they do. Maybe for the rest of my life.

Unless someone shows up who sees me differently. If I trust them, their view of me makes me doubt mine. Jesus does this. He helps me as God sees me. As I really am. 
This is my story. I saw me as I thought my Dad did. Until someone showed up who saw me differently. A person who matters a lot to me told me I matter a lot to them.

Who is it that challenged this view of myself I received from my father? My other father.

The French movie ‘Angel-A’ is the story of Andre, a troubled man indebted to men who are out to kill him. With no rescue in sight, he plans to jump off a Paris bridge into the Seine river. But then he sees a woman about to do the same. He pleads with her not to jump. But she does. So he jumps. To save her. And in saving her, Andre saves himself.

Which is just what she hoped for. Her name is Angela. And Angela is an angel. Sent to help a man who's lost hope. But she's not your typical angel by any means. She’s a long-legged skinny blonde in a short skirt who is quite flirtatious and smokes like a chimney.

So why even mention an R-rated movie with content I can't approve of? One scene is so meaningful to me, I must share it. Just as my brother had to share it with me. He knew it might touch me as it did him. And it did. It hit a deep nerve. And yes, I cried. For I saw my heart in Andre's eyes. Unlikely as it sounds, God spoke to me through a quirky angel.

While the story shows her to be a fallen angel with her own issues, her mission is redemptive. After Angela told Andre who she is, he asked ‘But why me?’. She replied ‘Because you are good inside. But you don’t know it yet. And I’m here to help you learn.’

I'm aware of man’s sinful nature. I know I have no inherent good in myself that I can take credit for. I am a sinner. On the other hand, I am made in God’s image. Like Andre, He felt I'm worth saving. Worth dying for. Worth loving. So He sent His Son to earth. For me.

Angela’s mission is to help Andre face the root issue behind his pain: self-rejection. He has a way of loving everyone but himself. In his eyes, he's a failure and unworthy of love. A lie Angela confronts. She sees him very differently. She sees a beauty in Andre that he is blind to and she wants him to see it. And God wants you to see all that He sees in you.

In the story’s most moving scene, Angela sits him in front of a mirror. At his side stands Angela with her arm around him. She looks in the mirror, points at him and asks ‘What do you see?’ He lowers his head. Ashamed, he mumbles ‘Not much’.  Angela disagrees.

What she sees is a heart full of love. So she asks him to look closer. With her gentle urging, he slowly agrees that he might see some tenderness, kindness and maybe even a little love. She says, ‘Yes, a lot of love. In fact, too much. You gotta let some of it out.’ And guess who it is that he needs to give that love to first? The man in the mirror.

So Angela invites him to look in the mirror and say “I love you”. He says it to her but he can’t bring himself to say these three simple words to himself.  She explains, “That’s because no one ever said it to you. It’s hard to love yourself when no one else has loved you”.  She then tells Andre the real reason she jumped into the river. And into his life.

“Andre, I’ve come here to show you love.  Now that you have received my love, you have some to give in return”. He agrees. But winces when she tells him who it is that needs His love first. The man in the mirror. The one who needs his love most is the hardest to love.
 
He can’t do it. He can barely look at himself. Much less love himself. In his tear filled eyes, we see a heart deeply wounded by a life of loneliness, shame and self-rejection.

So Angela puts her arm around his shoulder and tries to encourage him. As he starts to speak, her hand vanishes. Followed by her arm, upper body and finally her face. Andre is now looking at himself. It's just him and a mirror. Angela’s voice can still be heard. She affirms him one more time. ‘Say it!’ Locking eyes with his own soul, Andre finally speaks the words his lonely heart always wanted to hear. But never heard . “I love you Andre”.  

I realize self-love can lead to selfishness or self-worship. Yet Jesus did say “Love one another as you love yourself”. I can’t love you well if I don’t love me. But how do we love ourselves properly? Why is it hard for some of us to love ourselves at all? Angela tells us. ‘It’s hard to love yourself if no one else has ever loved you’. Or if you don't think they do.

In my last post we looked at a few ways our self-portrait gets distorted. One way is if someone I love and respect, shames, ignores or rejects me. It makes me question my worth. And the younger I am, the more likely I’ll believe them. It’s also likely I’ll look at me in the same way they do. Or in the way I think they do. Maybe for the rest of my life.

Unless someone shows up who sees me differently. If I trust them, their view of me makes me doubt mine. Jesus does this. He helps me see me as I am. The me God sees. 
This is my story. I saw me the way I thought my father did. But someone showed up who saw me differently. Someone who matters a lot to me told me I mattered a lot to them.

So who challenged this distorted self-portrait I adopted from my father? My other father.
I opened the door of my life to Jesus, the Son of God at age 8. When He came in, I too became a child of God. He adopted me! I am His son. (Jn 1:12, Ga 4: 6,7) I always knew God was my father. Yet for many years, it never felt personal. Until He told me Himself.  

While serving as pastor in a rural Nebraska church, I found myself missing my Dad. A lot.
He was still living at the time but we just could not ‘connect’. At least not at a heart level.
Which is all I wanted. I see now why it was hard for him. But I didn’t then. As a new Dad myself and new pastor, I needed his advice. But what I really wanted was His friendship.

One night, this ache pulled me out of bed. I went over to our church. Where I wept for a long time in the dark. The pain in my heart was far deeper than I realized. As my tears finally subsided, I heard a whisper that forever changed my view of God. And my view of me. Here's what God said “You do realize Jack, that you have another Dad, don’t ya?”

The tears resumed. Tears of joy in being heard, loved, wanted. My needs matter to God!
I knew two things instantly. The father that I had always longed for, I already had. In my preoccupation with my earthly father, I somehow lost sight of my other father. I am so  grateful He used the word ‘Dad’. I needed a 'Dad'. I just never related to God that way.

I also knew that my desire to connect with my Dad is OK. God wants that for me.  Yet it can’t happen unless I find my identity in who I am to God. Not in what Dad thinks of me. My worth must come from God. Otherwise, I’ll look to Dad for what no man can give me.

Once I knew God really wanted to father me, I wanted Him to. To know this Dad I hardly knew. To connect at a heart level. Sounds odd for a guy who’s been a Christian all my life and who defines Christianity as a personal relationship with God. If honest, it wasn't very 'personal'. Like many Dads + sons, we rarely had a heart to heart. Yet we both wanted it.

But as we started talking, He showed me how He feels about me. Example: Isa.62. See my 1st post. In Zech. 3, He rebukes Joshua's accuser 'Is not this a brand plucked from the fire?' Like Andre, God felt he's worth saving. He feels I am too. He also led me to Ps.149:4 many times as I wrestled with identity. A year later I realized what He was after.

For the Lord takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with victory.
Psalm 149:4

I love the praise of men far more than I should. I crave man’s approval. I often daydream of being honored by men. But daydreams will disappoint if they're rooted in a lie. My #1 lie is this: I can't be happy or feel good about me until others approve of me or like me.

I now realize that this false belief of mine is why God kept leading me back to Ps. 149:4.
One day I randomly opened my Bible. Guess where? Ps.149. For the 100th time. I was  mad. "What?! OK, I get it! You delight in your people. You crown the humble. I know that! So why keep saying what I already know!?” But then I finally noticed the next verse.

Let his faithful people rejoice in this honor and sing for joy on their beds. 
Psalm 149:5

I had two questions. #1: ‘Rejoice in what honor?’ and #2: ‘Why would they sing for joy?’
The answer is in v 4. The verse He kept leading me to all year. I finally heard His heart.

"Son, can you find your joy in this honor? That I delight in you. Just as you are."

Really? Me?! Just as I am? How? Did you forget? I'm the guy who can’t do anything right.

In my last post, I told of my Dad saying ‘Can’t you do anything right?’ I learned 2 things that day. #1. What matters to Dad is doing things right. #2. I can't do anything right. So how can I ever please him? Which is all that mattered to me. Here’s the rest of the story.
 
Forty years after this event, I sought counsel. I had no memory of the wrench story at the time. I just knew I needed help with deep insecurity and a paralyzing fear of failure. My counselor didn’t ask for my life story or childhood memories. Instead He asked Jesus to bring to mind any significant memory that might unlock the root cause behind my fear.
 
The story I told you is what came to mind. I wept as I relived it. My counselor then asked Jesus to enter this memory and say anything He wanted. In my mind’s eye, I saw Jesus walk into the room, bend down, put his arm around me, look right in my eyes and speak these words to my bruised heart, “Jack, it’s just a wrench. Not a big deal. Let’s go play!". 
 
I still can't find the right wrench. But my failures no longer define me like they used to. It’s just a wrench. My sense of worth no longer depends on doing things 'right'. I still want to. I still don’t like weakness. But I don't resent it. It reminds me I need Him. It's usually my need that pulls me closer. Which pleases Him. And that's what matters most.

Question for Reflection: Do you see yourself the way God does? If you're not sure of how He sees you, will you let Him show you? He wants to. He really does delight in you.

*P.S. About this ‘other Dad’ …. 
We all need ‘another Dad’. Why? We're made for God. And He's a father. A good father. We need His fathering. This doesn't dishonor my Dad. Most Dads want the best for their kids. And the best gift I can give my children is to introduce them to their 'other father'. My Dad did. He also apologized later for things he said and did. He was a good Dad. But like all Dads, he was a man. Full of mixture. Loving and selfish. Like all of us. Like me.

If you find it hard to relate to God as a father due to issues with your earthly father, here’s a song God uses to remind me of my other Dad. ‘All men are broken’ by Misty Edwards.