But I need love with skin on (Part 2)

In the last post, I looked at our need for ‘love with skin on’. A need we all feel. Like hunger, we notice it most when it's not met. Or if we lose a love we once had. God is acutely aware of this need. As He gave it to us.

He knows how a loss affects our hearts. It affects His too. Unlike Hannah’s husband, God doesn't say ‘Am I not enough?’ when He finds us weeping. He weeps with us.

What makes loss so painful is the deep sense of my loved one’s absence. Like a deep ache in my bones, it won't leave. A Grand Canyon size hole in my heart. I try to navigate around it every day. But even the path around it is a virtual mine field. For anything can trigger a new wave of grief. A song. A smell. A memory. A photo.

If your hope for love is deferred year after year, you'll grieve deeply too. Or if your loved ones are close but your hearts are not, you too know the ache of loneliness.

We are not meant to live without love!  It is to the heart what blood is to the body.
It's not just a want. It's a need. Without it, life hurts. Yet what can we do about it?

We can't make people love us, bring back our loved ones or reverse tragic events.
I feel so helpless when I'm overtaken by a loss I couldn't prevent and can’t change.
Deep grief can leave me paralyzed. Especially if I get stuck on the ‘why’ question.

‘Why’ is a crucial question. But I won’t ask it here or try to answer it. Not that it doesn't matter. It does. But my words won't help. Why? I don’t know the answer! Even if I did, it can wait . My presence, my silence and my love are far better gifts.

If my heart's breaking, I need comfort more than I need answers. To the grieving, most answers to ‘why’ questions feel like pat answers. Which rarely eases the pain. There is a time to ask ‘why’. Just give your heart time to catch up with your mind.

My concern with asking ‘why’ too early is this. Regardless of the answer, it very rarely satisfies my urgent need to make sense of it. So a broken heart breaks again.
I've heard sufferers say, 'I wouldn't do this to my child. Yet God's done this to me!'
I don't need to defend God here. Let them voice their pain. Or anger. God would.

I think a more helpful question is ‘how’. How do I live with this pain I can’t escape?

Learning to grieve is like learning to sky dive the hard way. You realize you need lessons only after you’re pushed from a plane at 12,000 feet. I know of no easy way to 'manage' a loss or my grief. What I usually do is just opt for whatever thoughts or strategies my own mind comes up with. Some of them are helpful. Most are not.

It seems the thoughts that don’t help are those I default to most. Here's a few that may show up when I hurt. Remember, they're just thoughts. Yet if I believe them or hold on to them, these beliefs about loss can intensify the heartache I already feel.

        Common thoughts or responses if love is taken or withheld:

• How can God care if He keeps ignoring my need for love?
• I blame me. Not God.  It's my fault. I drove everyone away.
  
• Why am I still alone and still unloved? I'm not worth loving.
  
• I hate desire! If I didn't want love, I wouldn't hurt so much.
  
• I can’t trust God with my heart! He's the one who broke it!
• Why open my door to a new friend and let more pain in?
• I'd much rather live alone because of my own decision than to be left alone in life because of someone else's decision.

• I can’t trust God with my need for love.  I'll meet it myself.
• I feel guilty. For being so needy and for feeling so lonely.
• I must 'be strong'. So I minimize my loss. Hold in my grief.
• I assume i hurt because of sin, discontent, self-pity, idolatry. Face your issues but don't relabel grief and call it an 'issue'.
• I must lack faith. If I trusted God, it wouldn’t hurt like this.
• Don’t tell me God comforts. If He does, why do I still hurt?
• I resent God for a life without love, so now I've lost Him too.
• Trying to hold in my grief is like trying to hold back the tide.

So how do I grieve in a healthier way? I think just asking ‘how’ instead of ‘why’ is a good start. Proverbs says there is safety in wise counsel. And grieving hearts need to feel safe. For a few helpful resources on grief and loneliness, see links below. 

Having said this, it is wise to seek God's counsel first. For it's His help I need most. Ask Him, ‘How do I do this? How do I face life alone? What do I do with my pain?’
He will speak. Through His Word, His Spirit or people. Man's counsel can help me. Especially if I listen to God as I talk to men. It's not either or. I need God and you.

But if you feel God caused your pain, you may not want to talk to Him. It's OK. But talk to someone. I'd rather my kids open up to a trusted friend than hold it inside.
 
If the loss of love leaves a gaping hole in your heart, please don’t stifle your cry in your desire to be strong. Don’t mask the pain, bottle your tears or hold on to guilt. Pain intensifies if we hide it. Don't minimize the impact of your loss. God doesn’t. 

Like God, we're emotional. He understands why we hurt. Don't let yourself wallow in it or seek comfort in self-pity. But give yourself permission to grieve. God does.

Those who grieve say that what helps their heart most is the presence of a friend.
The sting in grief is a deep sense of absence. That's why presence matters. A lot.
If we hurt, we need the presence of good friends. God wants to be one of them.

“Joy is not necessarily the absence of suffering.
It is the presence of God in the midst of it.”
Sam Storms

This quote helps me. If I think God’s comfort is the removal of all pain and later  find I’m still hurting, I'll likely assume that either my faith is weak or God is absent.  For the ache of a loved one's absence can make me wonder if God is absent too. Why would I think that? Because it still hurts. Why am I still hurting if He's with me?

God promises His presence. But He doesn't come to ‘make up’ for the absence of our loved one. When I find myself without the love I long for, whether because of  death or unmet longings, God will join me in my pain. Yet He won't take it all away.

In fact, He can’t. No one can take away the pain of losing you. Not if I still love you.
If I loved you while you were here, I will grieve your loss whenever you're gone. As I should. Our hearts still need to love them. Grief is one way we express that love.
When we miss them, think about them, treasure their memory, we're loving them.

"There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. … For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the authentic relationship."
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Bonhoeffer goes on to say 'gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain'. Hold your memories close. It helps you hold your loved ones close. It hurts. But forgetting hurts more. 

God grieves over my loved ones too. Yet He does not take their place in my life. Or my heart. He sits with me. Yet there is still an empty place where they once sat.

God will assume His role in my life. But not yours. He won't fill the hole you leave.
Nor spare me the pain that comes with losing you. If God filled up the ache in me so I never feel your absence, it tells me I don't need you if I have God. To erase my pain, He'd have to erase all my memories and my love for you. Love won't do that.

God cares about those we love, those we hope to love and loved ones we've lost.
He gave His Son an earthly father, whose love He needed, whose loss He grieved.
He gave Rebekah to Isaac who ‘was comforted after his mother’s death’. Gen.24
It's God who ‘sets the lonely in families’ & says 'it's not good for man to be alone'.

Yet this truth won't fill up the hole in me left by loss. Yet neither will covering it up.
If you long for a ‘love with skin on’, God gave it to you. Don't disown your longing.

It's easy for me to say 'Give your pain to God'. What's not easy is when you try and all you hear is silence. You pray but all you feel is the same pain you feel everyday.
You read His Word but your thoughts still trouble you. Besides the 'why' question, new questions surface. 'Does He even care? Is it my weak faith? Am I discontent?'

Or 'Why isn't God 'enough' for me?' Many who truly want God feel guilty because they also want 'love with skin on'. Or because of how deeply they grieve their loss.

I won't let God into my pain if I'm ashamed of it. Or if trust is broken. Whether true or not, if i think God is the one who broke my heart, why would I trust Him with it?
(Watch for a future post on this topic. Trusting God isn't easy for those who suffer.)

So if He’s not asking us to ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’, what is it God wants from us? Just what we want from friends who hurt. An open door. Permission to grieve with us. He’s not asking us to be strong. He’s offering His strength. His presence. His listening ear. He'll not force us to talk. But He longs to listen whenever we’re ready.

Many who suffer have very good reasons for why they can't trust God with their pain. If we heard their stories, we'd understand why they see God as they do. Even if I could 'prove' to them that God is love, it's a bit like telling you that your friend loves you when He hasn't told you Himself or your experience tells you otherwise.

The harsh reality is that many who suffer did run to God with their hurt. But found His door closed. Even if I can prove it's open, my silence is a wiser gift. And kinder.
I'm not the Dad who cried out to God for a dying son and buried him days later. I'm not the woman who wants to be married but finds herself alone year after year.

I can't answer these hard questions. At least not in a way that would ease the pain.
I bring them up to raise a new question. To ask it of God might help. Or it may not.

Events beyond my control happen all the time. I can't control them. What I can control is the meaning I attach to them. The meaning I give a loss affects how I feel about it and how I feel about God. Which can cause as much pain as the loss itself.

If you can’t trust God, I won't question your view of Him. But l ask you to. Not to 'get it right'. But if there's a chance you're wrong about Him, it's worth finding out.

If we doubt a friend's motives, we confirm it before we stop talking or just 'end it'.  I don't like others judging my heart without hearing me out. Let me speak for me.  Yet I do it to God. Can I let God speak for Himself? And for the heart I can't trust?

For your sake and His, work through any issues that broke your trust or your heart.
I don't know your story with God. You may have legitimate reasons to 'call it quits'.

But if your marriage was at risk, I'd urge you to fight for it with all your heart before ending it. Yes, your spouse must fight for it too. But as in a strained marriage, I can assume God has given up on me like I've given up on Him. But what if He hasn't? What if His heart is breaking over the very loss He allowed? That broke your heart.

Find out. Our friendship with God is worth fighting for. To Him, it's worth dying for.

So what's my point? Isn’t 'Glimpses' about God? This post is on owning my grief. And even if I do, I still hurt. And I'm glad God sees my need for love. But I'm still alone. So how does all this relate to me and God? Here's my attempt to sum it up. 

No one can take the place of someone you've lost or long to find. Not even God.

But neither can anyone else take His place.

I need people. I also need God. I need ‘love with skin on’. I also need God's love. 
I need both. The love of another will never 'fill' God's place. Without Him, I'll still
still feel empty. Even if I had my loved ones back or find the love I've longed for.

For there's a place in your heart for God alone. And it's a place no one else can fill.
There’s also a place in His heart for you alone. It too is a place no one else can fill.

Let God be who He is. We need people to fill their roles. We need God to fill His. He's a father, a husband, a friend. But He's not replacing those people in my life. They're metaphors to show us His heart. What He’s like. How He loves. He loves as a husband, father or friend loves. Which is what my heart needs when I feel alone.

How do we know He’s like this? God became a man. In His face I see His heart. In His tears I see His compassion. In His cross I see His mercy. He suffered what I suffer. He felt what I feel. What a beautiful heart God has! A heart I see in His Son.  
He is the 'Word become flesh'. God in human skin. What lonely hearts need most:

‘Love with skin on’

Thanks for patience. Went with longer post due to topic instead of adding posts.

Question for reflection: Has loss or unmet needs ever changed your view of God? How has your view of God affected the way you process loss or unmet needs?

RESOURCES: 'Experiencing Grief' H Norman Wright or his PDF Excerpt on grief
'Uninvited' by Lysa Terkeurst, 'Finding God in my loneliness' by Lydia Brownback

NEXT GLIMPSES POST:  "So what does God do on cold winter nights?"
God is deeply interested in the little things. Especially if they're big things to me.