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Our Astonishing God & My Unastonished Heart

12/9/2017

 
Excerpt: Over-familiarity is a sedative. It dulls the senses. Nothing affects me. Not even God. It’s not beauty or God that changes. It's the heart I see Him with.
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Has beauty startled you lately? Has it hijacked your attention? Left you awestruck?

I first discovered awe at age 10. On a train ride through the Rockies. It was baptism  by immersion. Then at 16, I saw the northern lights in all their glory. But nothing compares to seeing the girl I love walk down a church aisle in white. In all her glory.

A brush with glory wakes up the soul. It lights a fire. A fire of astonishment. Astonishment is an 'overpowering wonder or surprise; awe and amazement’.
What's astonished you lately? My daughter Cherish has a gift for capturing the beauty that captures her. Here’s a view she came across while hiking in Colorado with friends.
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Beauty like this isn't just seen. It's felt. Our hearts feel what our eyes see. I think it's because our hearts are hardwired for wonder. We need awe like we need air. It's why we head to the Rockies. Circle the globe. Chase whales in kayaks.

I crave these moments! But it's not the thrill of astonishment that pulls on me lately.

It’s the absence of it.
I started this post on awe 3 years ago. Couldn't finish it. It felt too artificial. Sterile. Like a lovely song about a beautiful land I haven't seen. Or a person I've never met.

Something was missing. Not just in my post. In my soul. What was it? The very astonishment I wrote about. What I knew in my head never made it to my heart.


To me, our capacity for fascination is itself fascinating. Yet frustrating. Why are such moments so rare? And painfully brief? And where's the awe and wonder I felt as a boy? And if my soul is hardwired for wonder, why am I so bored? Even with God!?

I lived in Colorado until the Rockies became just a backdrop to my busy life. I also found a northern lights screensaver. Saw it daily but tired of it quickly. I even took my bride for granted. Until a kind ‘I miss you’ note woke me up.

Overfamiliarity acts like a sedative. It dulls the senses. I don’t feel as deeply. Nor see as clearly. It’s not the beauty that changes. It's the heart I see it with.

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"Imagine a man who lived in a cave for his entire life stepping outside
for the first time to watch the sunrise. He would watch with rapt
astonishment the sight we daily witness with indifference."
Thomas Carlyle

I love this quote yet it stings. For I used to see life with 'rapt astonishment'. Everything fascinated me. Nature. People. Art. Especially God. But in time, other loves captured my attention. And my heart. Like a cataract, these new desires  affected my vision. I saw everything in life through a lens of indifference. Even God.

This change of heart has a name: acedia. An ‘absence of care or interest in spiritual matters’. Desire fades. I feel spiritually flat. Numb. The fire is out.

How it happened baffles me. That it happened grieves me. It changed me. Deeply. I knew  it had affected my walk with God. Because God no longer affected me.

For me, acedia feels like this: (I'll write in present tense as I still fight it on a daily basis.)


'I live for God more than I live with Him. I speak of Him but rarely to Him.
I look for His hand more than His heart. For His favor more than His face.
My prayer life centers on me not Him.  I serve Him but I rarely seek Him.

I run on autopilot. I sing lyrics I don't feel. I pray. But my heart's not in it.
Unless I want something. But any zeal for God Himself is warm if not cool.
I feel pushed by duty. Not pulled by love. If honest, I am bored with God.'


I can’t chase emotions. But how real is a friendship if they're not affected? How deep is our love if my heart is no longer moved? His heart is. Deeply! In light of God’s emotion, acedia concerns me far more than emotionalism.

I want my heart to burn again! Yet I have no formula for fire. I can build an altar. Offer my heart. But God must send the fire. Once he does, my part is to tend it. Or else it dies. To 'tend' is to ‘look after, watch, pay attention to.’

I tend a fire by paying attention to it. But to stoke a fire in my soul for God, it's not the fire of passion I give attention to. It’s God Himself. He is the fire. And I catch fire by getting closer. By fixing my eyes on His heart. Not mine.

Despite my intro, I can't chase awe. Like joy or humility, it'll vanish if I look at it directly. Awe is what I feel when I stumble on a rainbow in the Rockies. Once my heart is fascinated by what I see, I forget about me. It's called joy.

Even if dormant, we all have a hunger for fascination. Beauty wakes it up.

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The word ‘fascinate’ means ‘to capture and hold the attention’.
A rivet is a metal pin used to fasten two metal pieces together.
The word is also used of a mind intently focused on one thing.

You're oblivious to everything else but the object of your focus.
Time is forgotten. You're locked in. You simply can't turn away.
For that single moment, your eyes, mind and heart are riveted.
And as for me, I know of nothing more riveting than the beautiful heart of God.

I got a glimpse of that heart once in the religion section of a public library. Which is odd. As I'm not into religion. And I was mad at God that day. He took me from Eden to a desert. And then He went silent. I felt abandoned.

I returned the favor. Why chase a friend who avoids you? I went silent too. So I have no idea why or how I ended up in the religion section that day.

But then I saw the name ‘Jack’ in a random book. The author was praying Isa. 62 for a man with my name and my story. Here’s the gist of his prayer.

“Father, will you help Jack see what he cannot see? Lies have blinded him. Show him how you see him. Jack is your son! A royal diadem in your hand. He is not alone. He is not a failure. You gave him a new name. His name is Hephzibah for you delight in him! You love Jack so much! Help him see it!"

I read it over and over. Through my tears. God set me up! Just to love me! He knew why I shut Him out. How I felt. So He had to tell me how He felt.

"I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me;
I was found by those who did not seek me."
God - Isaiah 65:1

Yet I still disengage. Go back to sleep. So in His love, He keeps waking me.

Are you disengaged? Asleep? Bored? Has your view of God changed at all? Know this friend. It doesn't change His view of you. Nor His love for you. But if you think it does, you'll likely avoid Him. As if He's given up on you. He hasn't!
In fact, He's fascinated with you! Even if you're no longer fascinated with Him.  

And I find that ... fascinating!
*NEXT POST: 'Together All Alone'
*First + last photos courtesy of my daughter Cherish. (cherishandrea.com)

Join the conversation!
Do you ever look at a sunrise or God with indifference? Any idea on why?
What helps your heart re-engage? Where have you seen His heart lately?

Jean Priebe
12/10/2017 08:32:16 am

I needed this today Jack. Thank you
.

Harla link
12/10/2017 06:34:05 pm

I feel exactly like that Jack. It’s as if I don’t want to open up to Him anymore. I know he knows what my heart feels and that is anger, indifference or just bored with the whole idea of Him. Then I still feel Joy and grateful for the gift of Emma for 17 years. I’m grateful for every second I had with her. That last week we prayed together and worshipped together differently than any other time. I know that was a gift from God because He knew what was coming. But I have to force myself to really communicate with Him unless I am angry or thanking Him. No in between emotion like I had for so many years with Him. That’s what I am praying for and making myself get back in a disciplined Bible Study that I can’t just fake my way through. I don’t want to be embarrassed by my lack of knowledge in class so I will spend hours searching His word and other books just so I don’t look stupid. I’m praying for the diligence needed to continue so I will come back again because I do know He didn’t leave me, I left Him out of anger. Like, how could He allow that to happen and why us when we had been so faithful? But I know there are no answers this side of heaven and we are blessed to know Emma is with Him. How could I want to bring her back from being with the one she truly loved the most. We are blessed she was ours. Her love for God was so big and mature for her age and He is still using her here!

Jack Anderson
12/10/2017 09:45:25 pm

I'm so sorry for your pain Harla. Praying for you. I'll email you.

Eric Vajentic
3/15/2018 10:49:41 am

Hey Jack, thanks for pointing me to this post from the other thread. Your writing and your experience resonates with me. I've been bothered for a long time by the absence of awe in my life. I've wondered why I never get that feeling anymore that I can remember from younger days when I would come across something and simply be floored. Maybe it was something in nature. Maybe it was a travel experience. Maybe it was something I read. I just don't 'feel' astonishment anymore, and it's frustrating. Every now and again, I feel like I may get a small spark, or a glimpse, but it so quickly fades. Chasing it intellectually is fruitless. So, like you wrote, I find myself thinking a lot 'about' God, but not much time experiencing God. I also spend what I sometimes feel is an unhealthy amount of time in introspection, trying to figure out why all this is so. Is it spiritual? Is it emotional? Is it depression? Anxiety? All of the above? Does it even matter? I've always had trouble with prayer because my mind wanders so much. It's hard for me to just let go and be. I've worked with some different mindfulness techniques the past few years that I'm hopeful will help, but I'm still in the practice stages. I just want to be 'moved' by God. Then, I wonder if I really shouldn't be chasing a feeling. Is that too selfish, I ask myself. I don't think I've ever lost the desire to experience God. It feels more like I've lost the capacity to do so. The yearning is now and always has been there. And, I feel it more keenly in it's absence. I take so much for granted. Everyday blessings that I know, intellectually, are blessings--my wife, my kids, my health....I ask myself why aren't these enough for me to feel the awe that I yearn for? I keep looking for things to do or not do that will help me to 'feel'.....things like scripture reading, prayer, listening to music, mindfulness, therapy, etc. It's so strange to feel simultaneously so rushed and so bored. Acedia captures it well. One things that I have found somewhat helpful is dialog such as this, so I've sought out places where I can have deep and honest conversations. The writing process itself, as I write this out and try to articulate my thoughts and feelings, is itself somewhat peaceful to me--it provides me with that all-elusive 'flow'. Then, the times when there is a response to something I write or say and a relationship develops, even if just for a moment, well....that's where I feel God working in my life. But, this is tricky and relates back to your other post about seeking approval. I have to be careful that what I'm looking for is not simply the approval of others for something I've said or written. For it to feel like it comes from God, it has to feel genuine and humble. If you've made it this far, thanks for taking the time to read:) It's been valuable for me to reflect upon what you wrote and to try to articulate a response, so I thank you for the opportunity.

One more thing--I just happen to be reading a book right now that touches on these topics pretty closely.....No Man is an Island by Thomas Merton. Have you ever read it?

Peace,

Eric

Jack Anderson link
3/15/2018 07:43:08 pm

Eric,
Thanks for sharing some of your inner journey. I heard someone say that the restless ache we occasionally feel for God is actually His invitation to come a little closer. Get to know Him a little better.And you're doing that. I can't help believe that He will reveal Himself to you in fresh ways through His Scripture because of your hunger.
i relate to your frustration with trying to do different things to draw near to God and then not experiencing Him in the way you long to. i'd love to talk about that + other things you mentioned.

If you'd like to, email me (using the email link below) and we can dialog on this more. I'll reply to this comment in more detail.

Jack


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    Jack Anderson
    I love God. Not perfectly. But deeply. I treasure our friendship.  Each post is a personal glimpse into what I'm learning in my up and down friendship with God.

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