Our Astonishing God & My Unastonished Heart

Has beauty startled you lately? Has it hijacked your attention? Left you awestruck?

I first discovered awe at age 10. On a train ride through the Rockies. It was baptism  by immersion. Then at 16, I saw the northern lights in all their glory. But nothing compares to seeing the girl I love walk down a church aisle in white. In all her glory.

A brush with glory wakes up the soul. It lights a fire. A fire of astonishment. Astonishment is an 'overpowering wonder or surprise; awe and amazement’.

What's astonished you lately? My daughter Cherish has a gift for capturing the beauty that captures her. Here’s a view she came across while hiking in Colorado with friends.

Beauty like this isn't just seen. It's felt. Our hearts feel what our eyes see. I think it's because our hearts are hardwired for wonder. We need awe like we need air. It's why we head to the Rockies. Circle the globe. Chase whales in kayaks.

I crave these moments! But it's not the thrill of astonishment that's pulling on me lately.

It’s the absence of it.

I started this post on awe 3 years ago. Couldn't finish it. It felt too artificial. Sterile. Like a lovely song about a beautiful land I haven't seen. Or a person I've never met.

Something was missing. Not just in my post. In my soul. What was it? The very astonishment I wrote about. What I knew in my head never made it to my heart. As for how I lost my awe, there's a tangent backstory behind this post on the 'Misc' page.

To me, our capacity for fascination is itself fascinating. Yet frustrating. Why are such moments so rare? And painfully brief? And where's the awe and wonder I felt as a boy? And if my soul is hardwired for wonder, why am I so bored? Even with God!?

I lived in Colorado until the Rockies became just a backdrop to my busy life. I also found a northern lights screensaver. Saw it daily but tired of it quickly. I even took my bride for granted. Until a kind ‘I miss you’ note woke me up.

Overfamiliarity acts like a sedative. It dulls the senses. I don’t feel as deeply. Nor see as clearly. It’s not the beauty that changes. It's the heart I see it with.

"Imagine a man who lived in a cave for his entire life stepping outside
for the first time to watch the sunrise. He would watch with rapt
astonishment the sight we daily witness with indifference."
Thomas Carlyle

I love this quote yet it stings. For I used to see life with 'rapt astonishment'. Everything fascinated me. Nature. People. Art. Especially God. But in time, other loves captured my attention. And my heart. Like a cataract, these new desires  affected my vision. I saw everything in life through a lens of indifference. Even God.

This change of heart has a name: acedia. An ‘absence of care or interest in spiritual matters’. Desire fades. I feel spiritually flat. Numb. The fire is out.

How it happened baffles me. That it happened grieves me. It changed me. Deeply. I knew  it had affected my walk with God. Because God no longer affected me.

For me, acedia feels like this: (I'll write in present tense as I still fight it on a daily basis.)

---

'I live for God more than I live with Him. I speak of Him but rarely to Him.
I look for His hand more than His heart. For His favor more than His face.
My prayer life centers on me not Him.  I serve Him but I rarely seek Him.

I run on autopilot. I sing lyrics I don't feel. I pray. But my heart's not in it.
Unless I want something. But any zeal for God Himself is warm if not cool.
I feel pushed by duty. Not pulled by love. If honest, I am bored with God.'

---

I can’t chase emotions. But how real is a friendship if they're not affected? How deep is our love if my heart is no longer moved? His heart is. Deeply! In light of God’s emotion, acedia concerns me far more than emotionalism.

I want my heart to burn again! Yet I have no formula for fire. I can build an altar. Offer my heart. But God must send the fire. Once he does, my part is to tend it. Or else it dies. To 'tend' is to ‘look after, watch, pay attention to.’

I tend a fire by paying attention to it. But to stoke a fire in my soul for God, it's not the fire of passion I give attention to. It’s God Himself. He is the fire. And I catch fire by getting closer. By fixing my eyes on His heart. Not mine.

Despite my intro, I can't chase awe. Like joy or humility, it'll vanish if I look at it directly. Awe is what I feel when I stumble on a rainbow in the Rockies. Once my heart is fascinated by what I see, I forget about me. It's called joy.

Even if dormant, we all have a hunger for fascination. Beauty wakes it up.

The word ‘fascinate’ means ‘to capture and hold the attention’.
A rivet is a metal pin used to fasten two metal pieces together.
The word is also used of a mind intently focused on one thing.

You're oblivious to everything else but the object of your focus.
Time is forgotten. You're locked in. You simply can't turn away.
For that single moment, your eyes, mind and heart are riveted.

And as for me, I know of nothing more riveting than the beautiful heart of God.

I got a glimpse of that heart once in the religion section of a public library. Which is odd. As I'm not into religion. And I was mad at God that day. He took me from Eden to a desert. And then He went silent. I felt abandoned.

I returned the favor. Why chase a friend who avoids you? I went silent too. So I have no idea why or how I ended up in the religion section that day.

But then I saw the name ‘Jack’ in a random book. The author was praying Isa. 62 for a man with my name and my story. Here’s the gist of his prayer.

“Father, will you help Jack see what he cannot see? Lies have blinded him. Show him how you see him. Jack is your son! A royal diadem in your hand. He is not alone. He is not a failure. You gave him a new name. His name is Hephzibah for you delight in him! You love Jack so much! Help him see it!"

I read it over and over. Through my tears. God set me up! Just to love me! He knew why I shut Him out. How I felt. So He had to tell me how He felt.

"I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me;
I was found by those who did not seek me."
God - Isaiah 65:1

Yet I still disengage. Go back to sleep. So in His love, He keeps waking me.

Are you disengaged? Asleep? Bored? Has your view of God changed at all? Know this friend. It doesn't change His view of you. Nor His love for you. But if you think it does, you'll likely avoid Him. As if He's given up on you. He hasn't!
In fact, He's fascinated with you! Even if you're no longer fascinated with Him.  

And I find that ... fascinating!

*NEXT POST: 'Together All Alone'

*First + last photos courtesy of my daughter Cherish. (cherishandrea.com)

Join the conversation!
Do you ever look at a sunrise or God with indifference? Any idea on why?
What helps your heart re-engage? Where have you seen His heart lately?