When pain is all I think about - Part 2

It will be as though a man fled from a lion only to meet a bear, as though he
entered his house and rested his hand on the wall only to have a snake bite him.
Amos 5:19

Ever had a day like that? Or a year? When all that can go wrong does. Bad news follows failure follows rejection follows setback follows job loss. And all efforts to stop the bleeding or ease the pain don't help. And you wonder 'Must life be so painful?

I recently had surgery done on both knees simultaneously. Piece of cake. Then I woke up. Then the pain block wore off. Then I started rehab. To my dismay, there is no such thing as pain-free rehab. I'm also discovering there is no such thing as a pain free life. Pain is inevitable. So how do we live with the pain we can't avoid, escape or turn off?

The refreshing freedom of holy indifference

I was told my doctor may not agree to doing both knees at once. I didn't know how I could endure more pain in either leg if he said ‘no’. Nor did I know if insurance would cover both. I was worrying about this one day as I left for work. But I resolved to not start my day in worry. I would trust God regardless. My bold faith was quickly tested.

As I backed out, I hit my trash can and broke a tail light. A small blunder. Yet it'll steal my joy or ruin my day if I let it. Why? I do it a lot. I'm prone to blunder. Confirming my fear that I can't do anything right. I know it's a lie. Yet in the moment, it sure feels true.

But this time was different. The mix of pain, unknowns about surgery and busting my tail light would usually make me angry, anxious and cynical. I’d either yell at God. (As if He put the garbage can there when my wife, I mean, when I did). Or I'd rehearse all the stupid stuff I've done or broadcast all my woes in search of pity. But not this time.

I drove to work, listened to Isa. 40 and spent time in worship. Am I that spiritual? No. Far too selfish. So why didn't I spiral down as usual? I had a different response only because I had a different focus. I had recently seen God's glory in a way I never had before. In Isaiah 40. All I could think about is God. I wanted to see more of His glory.

Ignatius calls every Christ follower to cultivate something he called ‘holy indifference’. Indifference is apathy. A lack of caring. Holy indifference is the exact opposite. It's where you care so much about what matters that you're indifferent to everything else. God's love has ruined you for all else. All you want is Him. To know Him. To love Him. 

Will those with chronic pain magically rise above their sickness and no longer be so affected by what afflicts them? No. But it is possible that the wounded soul beneath the skin can find deep and real comfort in the love of God. To the point that even if my body is battered again by pain today, the bruise goes no deeper than my skin.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul.

Yet I'll obsess over a life I want but don’t have or have but don’t want. And miss God!
But if I saw Him as He is, I'd love Him. And my life. As it is. Why? He would BE my life!

Paul said 'For to me, to live is Christ'.  That's what life is like when you fall in love. A man in love has no time for little stuff. And what's not about her is all little stuff.  Same with Christ. If I see Him, I'll love Him. And the ‘things of earth will grow strangely dim’.

           Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
                 though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
             though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, 
                yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
                                                Habakkuk 3:17,18

In spite of such dire circumstances, Habakkuk found joy in God. Not because his circumstances no longer matter. They do. But to him, God matters more. He feels the effects of hunger as all men do. Yet a deeper hunger pulls on him: a hunger for God.

Pay attention to what you pay attention to.

How did he find joy in such circumstances? Actually, he didn't. He found joy in God.

How? By focusing on God. Not his circumstances. How did he do it? Was he just that 
spiritual? No. God taught him what to focus on. In Ch. 1 he complains that God never answered his prayer. God's response? He tells him to ‘look’ and see what God is up to. (1:5) I think God was saying "Fix your eyes on me. Not your unanswered prayers."
 
It may sound cold. If you're the one who's prayers are unanswered. It's actually wise advice. Unanswered prayer is a painful reality we can't avoid nor easily explain. Yet we try to. But to make that our focus distorts our view of prayer. Let me make just one point about unanswered prayer. The primary point of prayer is not getting an answer.

It's communion with God. Talking with Him. Listening to Him. Pouring out my heart to my Father. Hearing His heart for me.  And yes, it includes taking my needs to Him and asking for His help. It may not always seem like it, but my needs do matter to God. But if they become the only topic I ever talk to Him about, it affects Him just like it would affect me if my adult children only spoke to me when they needed something.

If all I care about is getting my problems fixed and avoiding pain, I'll tend to measure God’s love for me by whether or not He fixes my problems and spares me from pain.
Once I let my circumstances or my pain shape my view of God, it has the power to destroy my friendship with God. And my capacity to cope with the pain I can't avoid.

When life is hard, it is so easy for our view of God to change. No longer is He the one we run to. He is the one we run from. We tried to run to Him. We fled from the lion of pain and trouble and heartache, only to run into a bear of an even deeper heartache.
God is the wall that fails me as I rest on it. And the snake waiting to bite. Or so I think.

When pain and suffering is at it's worst and my prayer has not been answered, Satan will do all He can to convince me I've been deceived and that God cannot be trusted.

God is not a deceiver, that He should offer to support us,
and then, when we lean upon Him, should slip away from us.
Augustine.

God is not fickle or unreliable.  Don't believe the lie that your Father can't be trusted.
Be slow to see your broken tail light as the judgment of God. I'm not saying He never disciplines. I'm just saying let God speak for Himself. Don't put words in His mouth.

Like us, Habakkuk wants answers too. But He wants God more. Even if God appears unjust, he refuses to get his view of God from his circumstances. He gets it from God.

He asks God in Ch.1:13 'Why do you tolerate the wicked who devour the righteous?"
In desperate need of an answer, watch what he does with all of his angst. ‘I will stand at my watch. I will look to see what He will say to me”. (2:1) God appears unjust. Yet he won't accuse God's heart. He asks God to speak for Himself. And waits until He does.

How does God reply? He says 'write down the revelation I'm about to give you'. (2:2)
God trusted him with a revelation of His will. Why? He wanted it! He waited for it! Pleasing God pleases  him. All he wants is what God wants. Regardless of what it is.

When I listen to God, I have selective hearing. Especially if I'm in trouble or in pain. I want to know why this is happening and what I've done wrong to deserve it. And I want to know how soon this misery will be over. That's the only 'answer' I really want.

Habakkuk wants out of trouble too. But what he wants more is for God to step into his trouble. Why? God's power is best displayed in our troubles. Instead of resenting his crisis, he sees it as a chance for God to show Himself. 'You did it before. Do it again!'

“Lord I have heard of your fame. I stand in awe of your deeds, Lord. Repeat them in our day. In our time make them known. In wrath remember mercy.’ 
Habakkuk 3:2

If God shows up in a crisis, we expect He'll get us out of it. What if He's here to help us face it. Before He took 3 Hebrews out of a fire, He walked with them in it. Dan 3:25
It's how joy can coexist with pain. God not only enters my fire. He stays with me in it.

So how do I keep my joy in the midst of it all? Keep my eyes on Him in spite of it all.

*****************
INTERMISSION
Note of apology to all veteran pain survivors
It sounds so simple. And almost believable. Until you're thrown in a furnace.

I started these posts knowing what I wanted to say and wanted you to learn. About pain. I then spent a month in pain. Only to learn that I'm the one who needs to learn. Explaining a truth isn't the same as learning it. The only way to learn truth is to live it. So I've just begun to learn what I thought I knew. So if it sounds good, but rings hollow, it is. Not because it's untrue. It's untried.

If someone talks on and on, it's not always a sign of expertise. It could mean they're lost.  Trying to reaffirm what they thought they knew. The fire of pain can make you doubt all you believe. Or forge in you an even stronger faith. 

I believe God is saying 'Focus on me. Not your pain'. But I tried to share this with you before I learned it myself. And the best way to learn about pain is to hurt. While trying to listen to God.  Which is what this pain and this post is all about. When I couldn't avoid my own pain, I realized these posts are for me.

Disclaimer and Note of caution to all lovers of brevity
  So if I need to live what I write about before I can learn it, I'm a slow learner. Translation: The end is nowhere in sight. So here's an off ramp if you need it. But if you need this crucible of pain to forge a deep love for Twitter, read on.
Because this post is part of a personal journey, I chose to write until 'done'.

**********************

Shifting focus sounds easy. Even doable. Doing so while in pain is anything but easy.

Once the pain block wore off after my knee replacement surgery, I felt a level of pain I've not felt before. In learning what they actually do in a knee replacement, I see why the pain is so intense. To think I asked a stranger to do this to me and  paid him for it! 

Then the pain intensified once I started PT. The mix of acute pain and little sleep took its toll. The Dr asked if I'd been taking muscle relaxers. We were told it was for spasms. Mine was a constant tightness. I hadn't taken any. For ten miserable days. I texted my friend Tim and asked for prayer. In his reply, he added 'Read 2 Chron. 20'.

What to do when you don't know what to do

Another story of dire circumstances. And a man who won't be held hostage by them.
A vast army threatens Judah. The king calls Judah to fast and pray. Here's his prayer:

We have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us.
We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you’.
2 Chronicles 20:12

A choir precedes the army singing ‘Give thanks to the Lord. His love endures forever’.
Imagine this choir out in front of the army, singing God's praise as they approach the enemy. Who surely mocked. "Fools! That's your war strategy!?" Yes! Watch and learn!

So what is God's strategy? Fix your eyes on Me. And as for your enemy, trust me'. Their way of doing this is to worship. Proclaim His name. Sing His praises. Lift Him up!

Like David they take no sword or spear. They're trusting God. The odds? Impossible! But their attention is on God. Not their odds. Who's where? Out front. Leading the charge. Their song is His cue. He takes the field. As God's army watches. And learns.  

This story taught me how to fight pain. (Thanks Tim.) A soldier is trained to be acutely aware of his enemy. Yet in our battles, God is training us to lock our attention on Him.

It feels counter-intuitive. Yet David did it. In Ps. 27:4 he focuses on the one thing that consumes him. While he's surrounded by enemies (v.3) and facing daily trouble (v.5).
I want to stay riveted on God in spite of my pain. But I can't. The pain is all see or feel.

'We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to.'
C.S. Lewis

The deeper the pain, the stronger it's pull for my attention. Speaking of deeper pain,
there's a giant gap between a broken tail light and cancer. Or knee pain and the loss of a loved one. My troubles are light compared to what many of you are facing now.
And what I'm learning is easier to explain than live. That's especially true with prayer.

Is my purpose for prayer the same as God's?

If you face serious setbacks or complex issues, this advice may sound oversimplified.
For many, 'Just focus on God’ feels like another empty platitude. Why? Seldom does it solve our problem! We've tried! We focus on God in prayer, Bible study or worship. And we do it for as long as we possibly can. Then we open our eyes only to find our problem is still there or worse. Conclusion: We did look to God. He didn’t look back!
 
What good is prayer if my needs go unmet after praying my heart out 24-7 for years?

If my aim in prayer is to get my problems fixed, then yes, it doesn't always 'work'. But God's aim in prayer is conversation.  It's how we walk with Him. Connect. Talk. Listen. It's how we live life. We live it together. It's also how good friends face pain. Together.

But for many, pain is a threat to prayer. It cuts us off from God. But it doesn’t have to. If we keep looking, talking and listening. Even in the furnace of pain. (Ps.6, 22, 31, 69)
It's not easy to pour out your heart to someone who's been silent. While you suffer. Nor is it easy to listen for what God might say when He hasn't said anything for so far.

I urge you friend. Ask God to speak. And stay in His Word so He can. For He wants to speak to you more than you know. When good fathers are quiet, it's not that they have nothing to say. Or don't care enough to speak to you. Just because He lets you go through this pain, doesn't mean He will let you go through it alone.  Listen to Him!

People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice
behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”  Isa.30: 18-21

Notice who He promises to speak to. Those whom He's given the bread of adversity. In Isa 40: 26, we see God speak encouragement to those He loves who are suffering.

God knows how unanswered prayer affects us. But when He says ‘lift your eyes’ in Isa. 40:26, it’s not to see our prayers answered. He wants us to ‘look at the stars’.  Why? To encourage those who suffer. For just like the stars, we aren't overlooked or forgotten.

Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:  Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God”?  Isaiah 40: 26,27

He knows each star by name. Why? It's unique. It's presence matters in the universe.
He knows you by name. Why? You're unique. Your presence matters in the universe.

I can feel unseen, unheard and unloved. But the fact it feels true doesn't make it true.
My feelings tell me God can't see, hear or love me. But feeling it doesn't make it true.

Did you ever assume someone didn't love you only to learn they did and always had?
I see a sea of stars and feel invisible. God sees them too. They make Him think of me. 
He asked us to look at the stars to show us this truth about Him. He sees us. Loves us.
For more on this subject, see my previous post: 'When Pain is all I think about - Pt.1'

So what can you do for your heart when pain is all you feel? Fix your attention on God Himself. And less on the pain you feel. Sure it's an impossible ask, but it's an ask God Himself makes. Col. 3:1 And He'll never ask for what He won't help you do. Mt. 19:26

Seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. Col.3:1,2

Now set your mind and heart to seek the Lord your God. 1 Chron. 22:19 
 
You will keep perfectly peaceful the one whose mind remains
focused on you, because he remains in you. Isaiah 26:3 ISV

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on
what is true and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.
             Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Phil. 4:8                     

In Phil. 4:8, Paul tells us how to ‘be anxious for nothing’. (4:6) Another impossible ask. One way we worry less is by fixing our minds on the One who is bigger than the problem or issue that worries us. Our faith in God grows stronger to the degree we focus on God. Just as it shrinks and weakens to the degree we focus on our problem.

I lift up my eyes to you, to you who sit enthroned in heaven.
As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master,
as the eyes of a female slave look to the hand of her mistress,
so our eyes look to the Lord our God, till he shows us his mercy.
Psalms 123:1,2

Oswald Chambers says of Ps 123: “As the eyes of a servant are riveted on his master, our eyes should be directed to and focused on God. Our spiritual strength begins to be drained when we stop lifting our eyes to Him. Our stamina is sapped, not so much through external troubles surrounding us but through problems in our thinking.”

Maybe the problem with our thinking is ...

He said our stamina is sapped by problems in our thinking. I wonder if the problem with our thinking is thinking so much about our problem. The more I fixate on my pain, the more it consumes me. Nothing distracts like pain. Yet if all I think about is my pain or crisis, it blinds me to everything and everyone around me. Including God.

If a pain and trouble free life matters more to me than God, I can't be happy even if my pain is removed and my troubles are solved. Why? Pain and trouble is still the focus of my life as long as my primary purpose in life is to avoid all pain and trouble.

I give my attention to what I treasure. What do I treasure? Whatever has my attention. 

Your mind is an attention pointing device.
If you point it at painful subjects,
don’t be surprised if you find yourself in pain.
That’s why they’re called ‘painful subjects’
Scott McPherson

Sometimes the best thing I can do about my problems is to turn my back on them. I don't mean abdicate responsibility. I must face my issues and do all I can to fix them.
Yet I must not let them consume me. I must look at Him! Not just so He'll fix my issue.

But simply so I can see Him.

It’s easy to fall for the lie that you can’t have peace until your most pressing problem is fixed and the issue is behind you. Once it’s behind you, guess what you'll find in front of you tomorrow? A new issue. Look up. It's easier than looking back or ahead.

Some say 'I did look to God. I didn't find the answer I was looking for'. Perhaps that's the problem. You looked for an answer when an answer isn't what you need. It's God.

So do I just ignore all my issues? No! I'm responsible to do my part in resolving them.
Yet I know my best efforts can’t always fix them. If honest, I rarely know what the issue is. Much less how to fix it. However I can trust God with all I can't do and do all I can.  
 
There’s only one person who actually knows how to fix my issue. And has the ability to actually do it. The wisest thing I can do is listen to Him, trust Him, do what He says.
Only then will I ever find peace. My heart will only rest when all my hope is in Him.

This is personal for me. This gift from my daughter reminds me of what matters most.

   I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand,
 I shall not be shaken.    
Psalms 16:8

I need not be shaken by what's around me if I fix my attention on the God before me.

Charles Stanley once told this story about his early years of ministry. He faced great opposition from many who wanted to remove him as pastor. Imagine how you would feel if you were in his shoes. It’s all he could think about.  During this time, an elderly widow asked him to stop by her house. She showed him a famous painting of ‘Daniel in the Den of Lions’. Daniel is standing in a lion’s den with all these lions behind him.

There’s a window high on the wall and a beam of light steaming into the den of lions.
The lady asked him “What do you see, Pastor?” He said impatiently ‘Daniel standing in the lion’s den. I’ve seen this painting before’. She asked, "But what's Daniel doing?”.

He said "I told you. He's standing in the lion’s den. What do you see that I'm missing?"
She said, “Pastor, Daniel isn’t looking at the lions. He’s looking up at the light. Pastor, what are YOU looking at?” She put her arm around her pastor's shoulder and said, “Pastor, don’t look at all the lions that are threatening you. Keep your eyes on Jesus.”

Dr. Stanley said that visit was a turning point. He chose to stop looking at his troubles and just focus on Jesus. You’re surrounded by lions too. Are they all you think about?
The more you focus on your problems, the bigger it gets.  And the less rest you get.

It would take a supernatural peace to not think about the lions. Which is exactly what God intends to give us. A peace that passes understanding. Which means I can have  peace in my soul even without understanding what’s going on in my circumstances.

If Daniel had fixated on the lions, he never could have slept. He didn’t. He had one thing on his mind. God. The one who made the lions. And had power over them to shut their mouths. In spite of these lions he can't avoid, all he can think about is God.

It's a small gesture to lift your eyes. But worth it. Your heart and mind will thank you.

I will lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
Psalm 121:1, 2

Reflection: What are you looking at? The lions around you or the Lord before you?