The sweet joy of being liked - Pt 1

Excerpt: I once fell in like with a girl I never met. She had a quality I never found in a girl. She liked me! It amazed me since I didn’t like myself much. He who knows me best likes me most. Which says a lot about my likability!

Previously posted February 28, 2018

Ever bought an item sight unseen? Well, I picked out my first girlfriend that way.
Whether I regret it or not is not the point. Though it'll shortly become quite obvious.
My point is to tell you how I arrived at this decision and why it's on my mind now.

So I’m standing at my locker in Jr Hi when some girl hands me my very first love note.
All she said is “It’s from Pippi.” “Who’s Pippi?” I asked. But she just smiled and ran off.
FYI: Her name isn't Pippi. Names have been changed to protect the ignorant. As in me.

As you may expect from a 6th grade boy, I was slow to catch on to Pippi's intentions.
"I think that girl gave this to the wrong ‘Jack’. And what’s with all these X’s + O’s?"
FYI: I did finally meet her. But I’ll skip that part. Let's just say things didn’t ‘work out’.

But that 1st day I went home not knowing her or her intentions. So I did what all real men do when confused. Ask Mom. She smiled and then explained Pippi’s intent and the X’s + O’s. Just like that, I was suddenly ‘in like’! “I have a girlfriend!” How could I know that sight unseen? She had a quality I never saw in other girls. She liked me!

It'll sound rather vain to admit this. But since I am, I might as well. The people I admire most are those who admire me. And one reason I like God a lot is that He likes me. A lot!

Since I’m pushing the envelope on my likability here, I’ll just go for it. I think it’s amazing that someone as amazing as God actually thinks I’m amazing! Me?!

So Jack, do you worship God because of what He thinks of you or because of who He is?

Yes! For I believe it’s love more than anything else that makes God ‘who He is’. Like us, God is known by His heart. In light of what He's like and what I’m like, the fact He loves me as much as He does tells me a lot more about His heart than anything else could.

It's one reason I love Him. It's the same with people. We usually love the people who love us. And we tend to like the people who like us. Excluding stalkers and psychopaths.

I first titled this ‘The sweet joy of being fully known yet deeply loved’. And I still do believe that a friend’s greatest gift is to know you as you are and love you anyway.

But I think we overlook the power of being liked. It’s fun to be romanced or swept
off your feet. But never underestimate the significance of simply being liked. This desire that pulled on us in Jr. Hi is still pulling. Regardless of our age. As adults, we may seek attention or affirmation in less visible ways than kids. But we do seek it. 

Why am I giving so much attention to getting attention?

So is it wrong to want attention? Is our desire to be liked, respected and admired a sign of moral weakness, sin, ambition or pride. It certainly can be. But is it always?

Robert Maurer, PHD said we expect kids to say ‘Look at me!’ “We don't consider it inappropriate or unhealthy. Yet if an adult spoke the same words”, we would.

“We take for granted that children require attention. But what happens to this need as we grow and become adults? The answer: Nothing changes. The basic human need for attention remains, although sadly, most adults ignore this in both themselves and others.” We may keep this desire hidden, but it’s still there.

This need for attention and desire to be wanted is God-given. In fact, He desires it too. Jer. 2:1-8. While attention is not the same as love, it is one way we express our love. It's a way we connect. And it’s normal to want to connect with those we love. 
We'll never grow out of it. We all need to be liked. Valued. To feel worthy of love.

There is nothing wrong with wanting love. It would be inhuman not to.
The problem is in wanting it too much - if desire for love becomes the center of life. When we want to be loved more than we want to love.
Ed Welch

I might add that my need to be loved turns sour if I value the approval of men more than God's Or if I focus mostly on how others see me but rarely consider what God may think.
Or if I care more about being known by the crowds than knowing the one in front of me.

My need for love turns sour more than I like to admit. Mostly because I turn my focus inward on me. Instead of outward on God or others. The end result of fixating on myself too much is that my need for love can so easily turn into an unbridled lust for attention.

Why do we think about ourselves so much? Why do we obsess over how others see us?
For me, it’s insecurity. Here’s a fairly recent example. I removed and replaced this paragraph at least 10 times. Why? It makes me feel insecure to admit I’m insecure.

Joseph Nowinski defines insecurity as “a profound sense of self-doubt, a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world.” 

So why do I lack confidence and question my worth?

If I've never been unconditionally loved, I will always wonder if I'm worthy of love.
If those who know me well ignore me, I’ll wonder if I matter to them or if I matter at all.  George Bernard Shaw said, ‘The opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference.’

I also doubt myself because I know stuff about me that you don’t. And what I know makes it hard to love me or be real. For fear you wouldn't love me if you really knew me.

If I mistake approval for love, I'll crave it or I'll view disapproval as personal rejection.
If I mistake attention for love, I'll find it a cheap substitute. Yet I still crave it. Assuming I just need more of it. If I can’t make people love me, then I'll settle for attention instead.

If I had to pick one cause of insecurity, I think it’s when the people I love and trust most hurt me, shame me or just ignore me. The younger I am, the more likely I’ll see me like they do.  If those who matter to me don’t think I matter, why would I think otherwise?

Most of us believe people matter. That is, people in general. But when it comes to ourselves, some of us aren’t so sure.  Everyone can affirm me. Even God. Yet I still reserve the right to judge myself. Which I do. And I’m a hard judge. Especially of myself. You can argue in my defense, but as the judge I get the last word. Rarely is it a good one.

One of the greatest dangers in the spiritual life is self-rejection.
When we say, “If people really knew me, they wouldn't love me”,
we choose the road toward darkness.   
Henri Nouwen

Why darkness? In the dark, I can’t see anything as it really is. Especially my heart.  Unless I see me as God does, I don’t know myself fully. Nor can I love myself as He does. Unless I myself rightly, I can't judge myself rightly. Unless I love like God does, I cannot judge like He does. His judgment is tempered by mercy. I can't say the same about mine.

As fish filled Peter’s boat, he suddenly realized who this man in His boat actually was. Instead of awe, his response was ‘Depart from me Lord, for I'm a sinful man!’ (Luke 5)
Why this response? Based on all he knew of himself Peter saw himself unworthy of God .

Peter's verdict: Guilty, sinful. unworthy. Peter's sentence: Be exiled from God's presence.
One problem. God the Judge doesn’t agree. In fact, He sent His Son to show Peter otherwise. Yes, sin keeps us from God's presence. But it doesn't stop Him from entering ours. Jesus knew Peter was sinful when He called him. Yet He still stepped into his boat.

So what is Jesus’ response to Peter’s self-imposed judgment? He says ‘Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people’. I love how mercy isn't mentioned. It's not absent. But with Jesus, forgiveness is a given. No words needed. His voluntary presence says it all. Then Jesus cuts to the heart of Peter’s issue. Shame. The belief that he is unworthy.

How? By giving Peter a glimpse of his future. A vision of partnering with Jesus in bringing men to God. He just doesn't see Peter the way Peter sees Peter. Same with us.

So how can I see me as God sees me? We’ll go there in the next post, but here’s one thought. Earlier I asked ‘Why do we lack confidence and question our worth?’
Maybe the real reason that we lack confidence is because we question our worth.

We think we know ourselves better than we do. But wise men are quick to admit they could be wrong. Maybe the way to stop doubting myself is to start doubting myself. What do I mean? If I can't trust my own judgment, why am I my own judge?

We naturally feel that if we think something, it must be true because it comes
from within us. But just because you think something does not make it true.
Rick Warren

Don't call unworthy what God made worthy by the sacrifice of His Son. Nor what is  made in His image. If He felt your life is worth dying for, then it's also worth living for.
I've not been given the right or authority to judge myself. Besides, I'm not qualified.

But there is one who is qualified. And He knows us better than we know us. Inside and out. The good and the bad. And He not only loves us. He even likes us! A lot!

Question for Reflection: Have you ever felt shame for wanting to be liked? Why?

NEXT POST:  The sweet joy of being liked (Part 2)
Not only can God change us, He can change the way we see ourselves. Instead of
of ‘how to’ post, I want to share my own story of how God is changing my view of me.