The sweet gift of your total attention

Excerpt: Few gifts say ‘I love you’ like the gift of attention. Attention matters! Why? Friendships matter. And the attention I give or withhold affects my friendships. Including the one I have with God.

“There is one thing I wish to be known for” Jerry Cook told a room full of pastors. As a well respected pastor of a growing church, we were all curious what he might say.
“I want to be a man who loves well’ he said boldly. I asked him later “How do you ‘love well’ and still balance all the roles you fill as husband, dad, pastor and author?”

His answer surprised me. He said “I don’t balance all my roles that well. But it’s OK. That’s not what I’m called to do. I am called to love well. Here's an example of how I do that. There's a line of other pastors behind you. And my ride to the airport is waiting. I started to feel bad. But then he leaned in, looked me in the eyes and said,

“But right now Jack, you are the only one in my world. How are you doing? Really?”

I didn't expect this. Actually, I wasn’t doing well that night. Somehow, Jerry knew it. I do enjoy conferences. But early on, I felt more alone at these meetings than I did at home. After sessions, as guys head out with friends, I'd go back to my room. Feeling like the one kid not invited to the party. I sought comfort in self-pity. But it didn't help.

Better to be lonely alone than be lonely in a crowd.
Christopher Casey

I eventually did make friends. But on this night, I felt very alone. Invisible. Unknown.

And Jerry sensed it. He put his world on hold. Literally. He leaned in. And listened. Like he had all the time in the world. Which he didn’t. I tried to keep it short. But he'd ask me questions. He wanted to hear my heart. He even took time to pray with me.

I've never forgotten his kindness. I think of it often. You feel loved if you feel heard and understood. I could tell by his prayer that he even heard a lot that I couldn't say. He was 'all there'. Looking me in the heart. Listening with all of his. And 'loving me well'.

“The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.”
Richard Moss

Attention matters! Why? Relationships matter. People matter. Attention affects both.

A few minutes of Jerry’s undivided attention and heartfelt compassion did more to encourage me and convince me of my worth than a hundred books on self-esteem.
 
This is the kind of friend God is. He actually cares. He thinks about us. A lot. He is genuinely interested in what happens to us. I love Psalms 139. It tells me God not only knows me, He knows me everything about me. What I think. Do. Feel. Desire.  But how is it that He knows me so well. Is it simply because He can as an omniscient God?

“You have searched me, O Lord and you know me.”  Psalms 139:1

God ‘searches’ us out. (Hebrew: 'to investigate, examine thoroughly’) He knows you so well because He wants to! He is actually interested. In you! His knowledge of you is not static, neutral or emotionally detached. He's a person! Not a database. His knowledge of us is personal. Intentional. Emotional. What He knows of us affects His  heart.

This talk with Jerry hit a nerve in my soul that I wasn't even aware of.  It met a need which had gone unmet. Each one of us have a need to be seen, known, wanted and loved. This need to be treasured by another is God-given. It means we're human.

I love to read. Since God knows this, He'll often use a book to pull me close. Not in place of His book. But to help me understand it better. Which when understood helps me understand Him better. He’ll lead me to a book which leads me back to Him. 

During one of those times when I again felt invisible and alone, I stumbled across the novel ‘The Listener’ by Taylor Caldwell. I quickly realized it was not a ‘stumble’.
 
It’s the story of a retired lawyer who erects a sanctuary as a monument to his late wife. He designed it as a refuge for the lonely, hurting and lost. Inside are 2 marble rooms: one for those waiting to be heard. In the other, a sitting chair. It faces an alcove covered with blue curtains. The inscription above reads ‘The man who listens’.
 
Visitors would enter one at a time. Each with a story. Stories of pain, fear, loneliness.

No one knew who's sitting behind the curtain. A doctor? A priest? A psychiatrist? Whoever it is, visitors felt they were actually being heard. Gradually, they'd open up.
 
A small sign told visitors they could learn the identity of the ‘listener’ at any time. Just press the button on the arm of the chair and the blue curtains would open.
 
The last visitor is Atino, who helped design a nuclear bomb. He pours out his regret and his guilt. Crying “Do you hear me? Will you let me see you? Will you answer?”
Tormented by guilt. Desperate for mercy. He hits the button hard. The curtains open.

There in front of him stood "a tremendous crucifix of roughly carved wood. On the cross was nailed the Son of God, the Son of man, true God, true man carved of ivory. Yet it seemed formed of living and pulsing flesh, exquisitely tinted, majestic".

“The figure was not of the dead Christ but of the living One. His head was lifted, held forward, strained to listening, suffering yet hearing, intense. His eager eyes were turned on Atino. Listening. The crown of thorns stood on the heroic forehead and drops of blood streamed from it. The hands bled and the left side and the twisted feet".

The ‘sacrifice, offered up of itself’. For man, the murderer, the thief, the betrayer. His 'loving and listening eyes knew everything, saw everything, understood everything!’  Such sweet mercy in His eyes! His head bent. Listening. Atino was no longer alone.

He cried out "Yes! I should have known! You've never stopped listening! Dear God!" He collapsed at the foot of  the cross, leaned his head on the feet of His Lord and wept like a child. Never in his life had he felt so fully known and yet so deeply loved.

His head is bent down toward us because His heart is. Mercy 'bends' down to love us.

I love this image of Jesus bending his head to listen. It may be fiction. But what Atino witnessed is not. There really is a man like that. Who sees us. Hears us. Fully man. Fully God. Who died and rose. Not only because He loves us. But so He could love us. So He could lean in, look in our eyes, listen to our hearts and love us well. As friends do.
 
This is who Jerry reminded me of as he leaned in, looked me in the eyes and said
“But right now Jack, you are the only one in my world. How are you doing? Really?”

I later thought ‘I’d love to have a friend like him’. I quickly realized I already do. But I wasn't seeking Him out as I did Jerry. I think Jesus led me to Jerry to lead me to Him.
 
There are many ways friends might express their mutual love for one another. But few touch the heart as deeply as the precious gift of our undivided attention. One reason your undivided attention is so precious to me is that it tells me I'm precious to you.

‘precious’ (adjective): ‘of great value; not to be wasted or treated carelessly’

Undivided attention is also precious because it costs us a lot to give it. God heard the cry of His people in bondage to Egypt. He answered their cries at great cost. To   Moses and every innocent spotless lamb offered up by each Hebrew family. He has also heard your cries. Your cry to be heard. To be fully known and yet deeply loved.

And His answer? The  'man who listens’. The 'lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world'. Who became a man. To bear your griefs. Carry your sorrows. Take up  your sin as His own and die your death.  Who knows you fully and loves you deeply.

And who looks at you today. Saying ‘Right now, you are the only one in my world’.


Question for reflection: Have you recently received a kindness so unique and personal, you know God was in it? Consider it a burning bush. He was in it! Why? You are on His mind. He's leaning in. Asking ‘So how are you?' Take time to tell Him.
 
Next Post: The sweet joy of being fully known yet deeply loved