I know God sees my heart tonight and hears my silent cry. I know He feels the pain I feel and understands the why.
I know that He still wants me. Even though my love is weak. I know His heart’s a safe place where a soul is free to speak.
What I don’t know is why I hide. Behind a me that isn’t me. When He sees the me I really am and loves the me He sees.
All my longings lie open before you O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. Psalms 38:9
Even with God, I hate to feel weak. As if I need to be strong. He sees it all yet wants me. So why do I hide when I'm wrong? I pray a lot that isn’t me. I pray like the me I want Him to see.
Even with you I’ll hide the truth. Not voicing what I really feel. I show you a me I want you to see. Yet the me you see isn’t real.
I try to forget the man I was or I dream of the great man I’ll be. But the man I am reminds me: The man in my dream isn’t me.
Behind my humble selfless icon is another man. Another me.
The real me is not that selfless nor as humble as he may seem. He’ll listen as long as he’s heard or serve as long as he’s seen. Preaches Christ. Thinks of self. Humble til he's put on a shelf. Extols God’s glory. Seeks his own. Prays a lot. Until he's alone.
God sees it all yet love this me. The me behind the me you see. Fully seen yet not rejected. Spared the shame I fully expected. Deeply loved despite my sham, I'm more at rest with who I am.
Safe in His love, my heart is free. Free to be real. Free to be me.
The most important freedom is the freedom from self-judgment. Vironika Tugaleva
So why is it then I drift away? He wants to talk, yet I rarely pray. He'll love me whatever I say. Yet I ignore Him most of the day. I'll cry or rant and call it prayer but a heart to heart is very rare. I text my needs and I leave, yet never mention my fear or grief.
Prayer's become an obligation. 911 calls replace conversation. I say I want a deeper walk. But love can't deepen until we talk.
If I talk to God, I must real. Yet I don't know what I want or feel. Plus I hear a lie, feel a fear. Is the real me the man in my mirror? But God knows my heart better than I. Even if I can't utter a cry. He knows what it is I must say. 'So Lord I ask, teach me to pray.'
So if my heart is to ever be heard, I need a voice. I need words! So I never again end a day with prayers in my head I never say.
We must lay before him what is in us; not what ought to be in us. C.S. Lewis
On the hunt for words to give my heart a voice
My opinion: The scariest place on earth for husbands is a greeting card aisle. My mission: Find the perfect card that says just what she would want me to say. My dilemma: She wants it to say what I feel. So I'm hoping Hallmark will tell me. My nightmare: Every single card is blank. Dream come true: The perfect card. The perfect card: One that says exactly what my heart has always wanted to say.
What makes it special is not the roses or card. But the heart it comes from. I want my prayer to come from the heart too. But finding words is not easy.
Except for God. He’s quite articulate. His words convey and reveal His heart. But they not only help me know His heart. God's words help me know mine.
I must know my heart to voice it. To man or God. But with God, I don't know how to pray. But the Son and Spirit.do. God knows how to talk to God. Plus, no one knows me better than God. He knows what it is I most need to say.
We often see Scripture as only a written record of what God said to man. But it's also a book of stories. Stories of real people. People who prayed. And who wrote it all down! And left us a record of what they said to God.
Many were God’s friends. He said so Himself. They talked with God and He with them. Imagine having their personal prayer journals. Actually, you do. It's a Hallmark of 'perfect cards'. Words that’ll give your mute heart a voice.
Their words are a mirror for the soul. Showing me what I can't see myself. For example, not only does God want me to seek His face. My own heart does. Ps. 27:8 Yet I seek everything but God. Why? I don't know my heart.
His words not only help me know my heart. If prayed, they can heal my heart. God tells Israel to return to Him (Ho.14:2) He says 'Take words with you and return to the Lord.' What words? His. This is prayer: His words in my mouth.
Why do men linger in card aisles? We needs words to say what we feel. For we know that's what she wants to hear. Yet even if a card says it well, I must add my own words. She'll look for it. If I only sign my name, I miss the intent of the card.
I do this in worship. I'll sing lyrics of love to God yet not sing it to Him directly. Prayer and worship means more to God (and me) if it comes from me. It's fine to use the prayer of another. If I make it mine. If I don't, I'm just signing a card.
If a prayer or song voices what you feel, make it your own. Let it be from you. As with a card, my words can prime the pump but they can't replace my own.
God wants to hear what only you can say. Only you can speak for your heart.
Reflection: Any prayers in your head left unsaid? Is there a cry in your heart not yet cried? Do you need a heart to heart with God? Unsure how? Ask God. He'll help you. More than anything else God asks of you, He wants to hear from you!