The Mirror Between Us

Excerpt: I carry a mirror inside my head. And look at it far more than I should. Downside is: I can’t see God, you or the beauty all around me. All I see is me.

I carry a mirror inside my head. I look at it a lot more than I should. The downside: All I see is me. I can’t see you, the world around me or the God who is with me.

I wasn't even aware of this mirror until God pointed it out. Through a Scripture,  a kid's museum and a dream. In the dream, I'm standing in the throne room. Jesus is next to the Father and all are gazing at Him. Me? I'm looking in a pocket mirror.

When I think of who Jesus is, the image of me and my mirror cuts me to the core. Yet in the dream, I felt no shame from God. Just love. He showed me the mirror for my sake. It blinds me to beauty. Like the beauty of God in the face of His Son.

My heart is made to see. God. Beauty. You. But a proud heart is blind to all but itself. Here I am living next to glory and I've covered up my windows with mirrors.

My sister once had a dresser bureau with a large center mirror and two side mirrors that swing inward. As kids, we’d pull the sides in and stick our heads in the triangle of mirrors. To us, it was fun to look at ourselves from a different angle. 

Whenever I focus on how you see me, it’s like looking in my sister’s mirror.  I’m looking at you. But hoping you’re looking at me.  What I want to see is how I look to you. I'm with you. But I'm actually looking at me. From a different angle. Yours.

In the movie ‘Beaches’, Bette Midler's character rattles on about herself forever to a friend. She suddenly stops, looks at her friend and says ‘But enough about me, let's talk about you. What do you think about me?' It's hilarious. Yet convicting.

A vain man uses others like a mirror. He doesn't look in a mirror to see a mirror.  And he's not looking at you to see you. But to see himself. Through your eyes.  Hoping you're impressed. That you like what you see. (Don’t ask how I know this.)

And if I wrestle with insecurity which proud men do (like this one guy I know), then what you think of me matters even more. My sense of worth and my identity depend on what you think. In this state of mind, it's practically impossible to see you for who you are. I’m addicted to and distracted by the mirror in between us.

Here's what's tragic. If I never move the mirror, I can spend years with you yet not  know you. We could be together all the time. Yet both feel alone and unknown. I could look right at you and not see you. Walk right beside you yet never love you.

I use to blame any surface level friendship on the other person. But I think now the real culprit is this fixation with myself. The mirror keeps me from knowing you.

I’ve also carried this mirror into my friendship with God. It's kind of silly when I think about it. It’s like taking a selfie at a scenic overlook. I'm with God and I'm looking at me? It's one reason I fail to notice God. (See post: ‘Together All Alone’)

I went through a dry season awhile back. I felt far from God. I did all I could to stay close. Yet I couldn't pray. His Word tasted like old manna. There are many reasons for a dry season. I found mine in Psa10:4. God's second 'memo' about this mirror.

‘In his pride the wicked does not seek Him;
in all his thoughts there is no room for God."
Psalms 10:4

Why isn't there room for God? A proud heart only has room for 1 person. Himself. His heart is like the Bethlehem Inn. There is ‘no room’ for God in his mind or heart. Why? Because all of his attention and all of his affections are already ‘occupied’.

It was my 'occupied' heart that triggered my dry season. Yet it wasn't long before once again I filled up every room in my heart. Leaving almost 'no room' for God.
 
Fast forward ten years. I’m at the Iowa City children’s museum with my family. One exhibit consists of 3 chalkboard size panels fitted together into a triangle. Kids stoop underneath to get inside. Adults have to crawl. (Don't ask me how I know.)

I suddenly find myself inside another triangle of mirrors. A déjà vu memory of my sisters mirror. Due to the angle of each mirror, I see multiple reflections of myself.  It's fascinating to move your arm and see 40 arms make the same motion. All the kids left. Except one. Me. Well actually there was me, myself and a dozen other I’s.

“So this is how I look from that angle!" I thought. 'I look so old! Where's my hair?! And I thought I had more muscle?'(Gives new meaning to the term ‘vanity mirror’.)

After a while, I heard my name. My wife telling all the ‘kids’ it’s time to leave. But one kid wouldn't respond. She had to call him many times. (Don't ask which one.) 

No one can pay attention to more than one thing at a time. And my attention was fixed on something so fascinating, it held me spellbound with rapt attention.  Me.

I was totally fixated on me. Even once I heard my wife, I didn’t want to leave.  I was too preoccupied with crucial matters. Like my scrawny biceps and my aging body.

We all do it. And the motive is not always vanity or insecurity. But regardless of motive, my concern with too much mirror time is how it affects my relationships.
 
Here the love of my life calls my name. Yet I knowingly tuned her out. All I could think about was me. To the point my ears couldn’t hear her and my heart couldn’t see her.
 
That moment of talking to my wife while fixated on me is a picture of what can  happen in any relationship. Nothing kills a friendship faster than a selfish heart. It also builds walls between God and I. I can't expect to see Him if all I look at is me.
 
I think this triangle of mirrors taught me more about how I see than how I look. It forced me to think about my thinking. And pay more attention to my attention.

For example, that talk with my wife is a lot like my prayer life. I'm more conscious of my prayer than the one I'm talking to. Or what I feel or don’t feel as I pray. Or my heart gets stuck on whatever it is I want from God. Instead of the God I want.

Those mirrors remind me of the proud man in Ps. 10:4 who has no room for God. And the innkeeper who had no room for the Son of God. Why is it I often lose my awareness of God? The rooms of my heart are occupied. By everything but Him.

Our capacity for focused attention is limited. We can only give our full attention to one thing at a time. When people say they ‘multi-task’, they actually shift attention back and forth from one thing to another. Which I don't do well. I get ‘stuck’. A lot.

Which affects relationships. We’ve all been caught with that glazed look in our eyes. Where it’s obvious our thoughts are elsewhere. It doesn’t always mean we’re selfish. Mark Hall of Casting Crowns said the innkeeper was most likely just too busy that night. Rooms fill up quickly unless I'm intentional about making room. 

Being intentional isn't the same as having intentions. What do I with my intention? And my attention. What has my attention is what 'occupies' the rooms in my heart.

One way to make  more room for God is to give Him the gift of focused attention.
I can’t make room for anyone in my heart unless I first make room in my thoughts.
I can’t know you very well until I see you. And I can’t see you unless I actually look.

So why don't I? Because my proud heart defaults to the mirror. Love is a choice. Not a feeling. For the proud, it's often a choice of what to focus on. What to value. A proud man can humble himself by simply focusing on someone beside himself.

"True humility is not thinking less of yourself;
it is thinking of yourself less."
C.S. Lewis

I’ll close with a journal entry and a prayer.
"My greatest handicap in life is not my weakness. That's not what holds me back.
What holds me back is this preoccupation with my weakness + self-improvement.
What holds me back is thinking a mirror is an accurate measurement of my worth.
What holds me back is my addiction to pleasing people and the praises of man.
What holds me back is focusing on my growth or lack of it instead of God Himself.

Prayer:
Help me lose the mirrors Lord! For our friendship’s sake. For others sake. For mine.
I can’t see when my eyes are on me! I want windows in my house! Lots of windows!
 
I have judged the innkeeper who had 'no room' for you. I took pride in giving you mine. And still today I say 'Make your home in me'. Yet we both know the rooms in my heart get occupied by other things, til there's no room for you. Help me make room in each room. So you can actually 'make yourself at home' in your home.

Question for Reflection:
Do you lose sight of God or others due to a 'mirror between you?' Is there room for God? Can He make His home in you? If He has, can He make Himself at home?