Paralyzed from the Neck Up - Pt 3

Excerpts: Signs of paralysis: I stay busy to avoid life. I’m never ‘sure’. I overthink until I can’t think. If I don’t try, I won’t fail. Too many options to choose. I’ll do it right or I won’t do it. I avoid goals. I'd rather dream than decide.

Well, I put off writing this post as long as I can. I thought of a piece on making fudge. Hoping you’d forget I promised more on this topic. But my conscience won’t let me. (Avoid the topic I mean. No issue with fudge.) So bear with me as I tackle the one topic I'd rather put off until I 'get it together'. A topic I wish I’d never brought up in the first place.

Why? For one, it highlights the very failures I try to hide and the weaknesses I try to deny.

Two. I haven’t slayed passivity yet. This giant still intimidates and paralyzes me. I’m not like David rushing the field. I’m like Israel. Hiding. Afraid to fight like I'm afraid to swing.

So why write on passivity? My point exactly! How can I talk about living deliberately when I'm not deliberate myself? Yet I must pursue this topic further. For I'll never change until I learn why I’m stuck and how to get unstuck. And I learn best by writing. It helps me face my issues and this is an issue for me. So my target audience is me. But you can listen in.

A boy, a giant and a hero

So no tips on giant slaying. All I have is a story and a hero. No, it’s not a success story.  My giant’s still here and I still hide. But my story isn’t over and I trust my hero to come. And no, it isn’t me. Just as David wasn’t the hero of his story. He told Goliath ‘The Lord will deliver you into my hands’. And Jesus the Son of David will be the hero in my story too.

I’m not David in my story. I’m the scared soldier He rescues. Not from Goliath but from my fear of him. In the wake of David’s courage, Israel found theirs. Just as I will find mine.

Passivity is a giant that will only fall to Jesus. Not my willpower or self-determination.  Yet Jesus won’t slay my giant for me. But as with David, He'll help me. But He wants me to do it myself. He'll train my hands for war, send me bears for practice and go with my stone.
But it’s up to me to rush the field of battle and face my giant. Not in my power but God's.

So how do I confront passivity? What’s God's part and mine? Don't know yet. I'm still in  hiding. But I’ll describe the scene, this valley of indecision and the giant that paralyzes me.
  
This post may sound formulaic or academic. But each insight on passivity comes out of my life. It’s not theoretical. It’s personal. Repeated failures, indecision and a belief that I’m unfit for battle are daily realities I live with. If you’re in this fight as well, this is for you.

Marks of an Unlived Life:
What paralysis feels like (for me)

I preoccupy myself with lesser things. To avoid crucial things I can't face. In 1 Ki. 20, a king orders a man to guard a prisoner. But he escapes. The man's reason? 'While your servant was busy here and there, the man disappeared'. I have projects I never finished. Responsibilities I dropped. Good seeds I never planted. Why? I was ‘busy here and there’.

I'm a hostage to doubt and fear. Convinced I have no choice, I don't make the choices I need to. To avoid mistakes, I avoid taking action. Yet that's the mistake I'll regret most. We can rebound from most mistakes. But avoiding decisions is one that can sabotage it all.

Awaiting further confirmation. I can’t move until I’m sure. And I rarely am. I read a story that haunts me.  Title: ‘Man, 91, dies waiting for the will of God’. For 70 years, Walter Huston of Tupelo, Miss. sought God’s will for his life. His wife said all he wanted is to know God's will. But most of the time he wasn’t sure. And since he wouldn't do anything unless he was certain, he rarely did anything. At least not anything that mattered much.

Life is 90% reaction. 10% action. Life would be a lot easier if you’d tell me what to do.
Most of my actions are just reactions to what others initiate or what circumstances call for.

If I step out of the boat, I might rock it! I'd much rather make peace than waves. It shows in my lack of initiative. I can't tell you what I like. I'm too busy asking what you like.
While fishing with Dad, he’d say 'Don’t rock the boat!' To this day, I avoid what upsets you and try to please you. It doesn't please God. (Gal 1:10) and it holds me hostage. (Pr.29:25)

I overthink until I can’t think. I over-analyze decisions. I must know how it'll all work out before I'll move on it. So I'm slow to move. The circuits in my brain get overloaded. Until I can't even think of what to do much less do it. Welcome to the paralysis of analysis.

It's easier to act your way into a new way of thinking,
than think your way into a new way of acting.
Jerry Sternin

I put off any decision I might regret. I postpone decisions or make pseudo decisions to avoid decisions I may regret. But to not decide is a decision too. One I'll regret far more.

I minimize the risk of failure by not trying. If I base my self-worth on performance and know I can't perform well, why try again? Only to fail again. Who can live with believing you're incompetent or unable to offer anything worthwhile? Dr. Richard Beery says procrastination is one way many of us break the tie between performance and ability.

Example: If I give my best to a task and it still isn't good enough, I take it to mean I'm not good enough. How do I live with that? How do I not feel shame? I can't argue the verdict.
But if I don't try, I avoid the pain of a pass-fail verdict. 'Could have passed. Just didn't try.'

With so many choices, I can't choose.  A lion tamer holds a 4-legged stool to divide the lion’s focus. With his focus divided, he can’t lock in on his prey and charge. If I try to do it all, my focus is divided. So I do nothing well. With so many options how do I choose? 

What makes my decision even harder is: I want it all. And I actually think I can have it all.
In trying to see everything, I never focus on any one thing. I need to pick a leg and charge!

The man who seeks one thing in life and but one
May hope to achieve it before life is done;
But he who seeks all things, wherever he goes
Only reaps from the hopes which around him he sows
A harvest of barren regrets.
Robert Lytton

I think I’ve ‘got it’ if I ‘get it’. Knowing what to do or how to do it can't make up for not actually doing it.  ‘Hard work brings a profit. Mere talk leads only to poverty’. (Pr 14:23)

If I can’t do it right, I won’t do it at all. One reason I don't get things done when they need to be done is this notion that there's one right way to do it. I don't turn my report in on time because I'm researching how to impress your boss with amazing fonts and clip art.
A task done poorly is better than a task not done. Failure isn't failing. It's refusing to try.

I’m waiting for the right pitch. I won’t try unless I know it'll work. I don’t do risk. 'He who watches the wind will not plant; whoever looks at the clouds will not reap’. Eccl 11:4

Dreaming is a cheap substitute for deciding. Our brains get a jolt of dopamine just by anticipating pleasure. Even if we don’t actually experience it. To desire is a pleasure in itself. But I can get stuck in a dream I never pursue. Why? Risk. It may not work out. But there’s a greater risk in dreaming my life away. I could wake up only to find I never lived. 

Most people spend their entire lives
indefinitely preparing to live.
Paul Tournier

If I’m content to dream, I may not do what it takes to realize my dream. I sabotage my own desire by not acting on it. Prov. 13:4 says ‘The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing’. Why? He never does what it takes to get what he craves. All he does is crave.

My goal in life is to not have goals. In an early St. Wannabe post, Percy explains why he's not into goals. His first New Year’s Resolution as pastor: "I hereby resolve to no longer fly by the seat of my pants. I’ll plan my work. Work my plan. My key words: visualize, strategize, actualize.’ My plan was going great. Until Jan 2 when it all fell apart. 

So he revised his New Year’s resolution Jan 3rd: ‘I hereby resolve to devote my time, energy and resources to one single goal: ‘Fly by the seat of my pants’. My key words will be ‘later, whatever and ‘we’ll see’. My goal this year is to not have any. It's far less stressful.

So what happened on Jan 2nd that convinced Percy to give up on goals altogether? If you read the story, nothing went according to plan. Year after year. But it wasn't his win-loss record that sabotaged his confidence. It's the meaning he attached to it. It’s called ‘learned helplessness’. Past failures convince me I can’t do anything. Why set goals I'll never reach?

"You don’t have an inferiority complex. You are inferior!"
A therapist to his client

It is funny. Unless you believe it. When my failures start piling up, it's easy to feel inferior. 
I live with each handicap listed above and more. It all rolls around in my head. The same head holding my ADHD brain. Think pinball on steroids. And if I'm not overwhelmed enough, passivity isn't my only issue. Nor paralysis my only disability. I’m a perfectionist, people pleaser, insecure, full of self-pity and full of myself. Shall I go on? I’ll answer. No!

So why close like this? Why highlight my issues and flaws? In front of God and everybody?
No, I'm not after pity and I'd much rather show you highlight reels than all my bloopers. 
So how can my long list of weaknesses help you? By reminding you that you have one too.

The best thing you can do for you is pull it out and own every weakness and failure that's yours. It's painful. But feel the power of habits you can’t break or changes you can’t make.

My only hope of changing is realizing I can’t change myself.

That’s what my weakness is trying to tell me. Not that I’m inferior. But that I need help.
I was made for God. Not just to know Him, love Him or worship Him. But to need Him.
 
Problem is: I don’t think I need anyone. Not even God. Even if I do, I can help myself. 
My head knows I need God. But when it comes to quitting bad habits or starting new
ones, many, including me feel it’s up to us to change ourselves. And we believe we can.

The reason I know this is because of how angry I get with myself when I fail to change.
I’m shocked I acted selfishly or got angry. As if I’m not selfish and have no anger issues.
I just need to try harder. And as for breaking off passivity, 'I don’t need a miracle to get
up. I don’t need God’s power. I need willpower. I need to do what I know I can. Walk!'

I can’t speak for you so I won’t. But in my fight against passivity and the fear of failure,
if willpower is all I need to change, I wouldn’t still be in a cave or unable to swing a bat.  

I am as helpless to break off this fear and passivity as a paralytic is to walk on his own.

So am I saying we ‘let go and let God’? God does everything for me and I do nothing?
No! Like the paralytic, I play a part in my miracle. He tells me to ‘get up and walk’ too.
And I believe I can. And will. But my atrophied muscles from years of inactivity won’t
obey my brain nor do what I tell them to until they’re healed. And I can’t heal myself! 

I am weak. I have no strength in me to give myself. Nor can I change myself. At least
not in the deep way I so need to be changed. Unless God changes me, I can’t change.

I must feel the weight of how helpless I am to change myself if I ever hope to change.

But who likes to feel helpless? Much less admit it. We’re all toddlers: “I do it myself!”
Realizing we are helpless is a place no one likes to be. So we’ll do anything to escape it.
Yet that place of deep despair is where hope is born. And where deep change begins.
Once we realize God is all we have and our only hope, we soon learn He is all we need.

Failure helps me reach the end of my strength. Only then do I reach out to God for His.
Once I stop trying to rescue myself and cry out for help, the hero of my story shows up.

I can never live the life God meant me to live
until I realize how much I need God to live it.

NEXT POST: Words of hope for the paralyzed soul
Jesus says 4 things to a paralytic in John 5. His words are one reason I have fresh hope.
Hope that I can overcome this giant, leave my cave of fear and rush the field of battle.