Loving kids well under pressure - Pt 1

Excerpt: Kids must feel safe. But not at the expense of feeling loved. I measure me by what I do. Kids measure me by how I love. Plan for later, but love them now. We think we need their attention. They need ours more.

(What inspired this post is watching my daughters be moms. Stacey and Cherish, you love your kids well. Giving them your all even when there’s nothing left to give.)

James Boswell, a famous biographer spoke often of a special day in his childhood when his Dad took him fishing. He never forgot it. After his Dad died, he looked in his father’s journal to see if his Dad had mentioned that fishing trip. Turning to that
date, he read the following note: “Gone fishing today with my son; a day wasted.”

It broke my heart. Surely he imagined his Dad treasuring that memory. Like he did.
It gives parents great joy to know our kids treasure the time we give them. What
gives them joy is to know we treasure it too. That we really enjoy being with them.

In this moment right now, what matters most?

My wife and I have 3 amazing children, 5 beautiful grandsons and one on the way.
These boys brings back sweet memories of time with my kids. I want to tell them to 'treasure these moments’. But they already do. Evidenced by daily videos, stories or pics. Why do we love capturing such moments? Because the moment captures us.

What precious moments do is remind us of how precious kids are. I love watching my grandsons just be themselves. Few things are more beautiful in life. We treasure a moment because we treasure them. It shows just how much they matter to us.

I'm writing this to remind us of how much our kids matter. So we can remind them.

In ‘The Essential Father’, Gordon MacDonald reflects on Mr. Boswell’s opinion of fishing with his son. He said 'no day is ever wasted that a Dad spends with a child'.
He saw it as a waste because his role at work took priority over his role as a father .

The word "priority" contains "prior," meaning "before."
Are your priorities getting your attention before anything else?
Henry Cloud

I’m sure any parent reading this agrees that our kids are a top priority in our lives.
So the question isn’t ‘Are they a priority in your life?’ But as Henry Cloud explains,
the question is ‘Are your priorities getting your attention before other things do?’

This is a great question to ask when under stress. Like the stress of this pandemic.
A crisis like this shifts every parent into high alert. It also shifts our priorities. The
protection, health and safety of our kids becomes our #1 concern. And rightly so.
But if future concerns consume us, they can distract us from noticing them now.

It’s a tension all parents face. How do we attend to the urgent and yet not miss the important things in life? Like those we love. We must find a way to prioritize our priorities in the moment. Of all that matters, what matters most right now? What can help us keep first things first is to tune into the way our kids view life.

How do kids view their lives in this crisis? The answer depends on the child. On how well they understand the crisis and their personality. But my guess is that for most kids, their view of life hasn’t changed much. They value what they always did. Need what kids always need. Still want what they've always wanted. Time with you.

Which we have more of now. So give your time to what matters. Give it to them. 

What matters most in life still matters in a crisis. And kids never forget what that is. It isn’t safety. It’s being loved by Mom and Dad. Which is when they feel safest. Let’s make sure they feel safe. But never at the expense of making them feel loved.

So let’s love our kids well! Loving well under stress isn’t easy. Many urgent needs compete for our attention. For that reason, I want to offer eight observations about
priorities. I pray they help as you try to discern what matters most ‘in the moment’.
I’ll cover 4 in this post and 4 in the next. I’ll list them all up front and then jump in

LOVING WELL UNDER PRESSURE - Part 1
Loving well comes before living well.
Making room comes before making progress
Loving attention comes before loving intentions.
Giving attention comes before getting attention.

LOVING WELL UNDER PRESSURE - Part 2
They’re His children before they’re your children.
You’re a son or daughter before you’re a parent.  
Pleasing Him comes before pleasing him. Or her.    
He calls you to Him before He calls you to a task.

Loving well comes before living well.

 “There is one thing I want to be known for” Jerry Cook told a room full of pastors. As a highly respected pastor, we were all curious what he’d say. “I want to be a man who loves well’ he said. I want that too. So I asked him later “How do you ‘love well’ and balance all the roles you fill as husband, dad, pastor and author?”

He admitted “I don’t balance roles well. But it’s OK. I’m not called to balance life.  I’m called to love well”. It reminded me of the only clear ‘call’ I’ve had. In Bible college, God whispered “I’ve called you to love”. I’ve always known that was my ‘calling’. Yet I resisted it. Too generic. I wanted to make my mark in a unique way.

But there’s no calling in life more noble or significant than the one God calls us to.
And if God gives us children, nothing we do matters more than loving them well.

But how do I that if my world spins out of control and I’m under intense pressure?
I have no idea. But at least I’m chasing what God wants. Asking the right question.
I’d rather chase a noble dream imperfectly than succeed greatly in trivial pursuits.
I took Jerry’s life goal as my own. I haven’t done it perfectly, but it’s been my aim.

Making room comes before making progress.

I crave order and I want to see progress. So I try to have a plan and work the plan.  
But life rarely follows my plans. Nor do kids. Nor does my easily distracted brain.   
Result is: I end most days having finished nothing on my list. I’ve only added to it.

I whined about this to my friend Dave. Who said he likes my brain as it is. He said “If I need help, I won't call the highly organized pastor you wish you could be. The most organized are often the busiest. First available slot might be in 3 weeks. I’d call you first. Know why? Because I know you care about me. And I know you’d drop everything to listen to me. I matter to you. That’s why I’m glad you're you.”

Dave helped me see that I was doing what God called me to do. I was loving people.

I also realized that one reason I don’t get more done in a day is I do drop everything
when I get a call. As a Care Pastor, I get many calls each day. But not as many as most Moms. I started seeing these calls as interruptions. They weren't in my plans. But they were in God's plan. A plan to help those who need me and love them well.

Even when I was responding in love, I’d feel guilty for not doing more. As if that’s what God wanted from me. As if doing things well matters more than loving well.  

I measure a day by what I check off my list. But God measures it by how well I love.
I can’t be ruled by my kid’s needs. But if I’m loving well, I’ll make time for them.

I won’t make room for you in my schedule unless I first make room in my heart.
But if I've truly made room for you in my heart, I'll also make room in my schedule.

Loving attention comes before loving intentions.

Attention matters! Why? Relationships matter. People matter. Attention affects both. Few relationships matter more than the one I have with my child. But even
if I agree that attention matters, it’s not an easy gift to give if I’m under pressure. 

A crisis like this can consume our attention and leave us anxious. Distracting us from the very kiddos we worry over. You’d think that if we’re together a lot, we’ll stay in tune with them. Yet so many things compete for our attention.  Especially our intentions. The things we want to do, hope to do and plan to do for our kids. 

My planning may be motivated by love. Nevertheless, it can keep me from giving them the attention they need in the moment. Which is where kids live. They can’t see the big picture. The word ‘later’ rarely satisfies their hearts like it does for us.
                                   
Even if I’m with them, I can be far away. If I’m distracted, they know. While I can’t be there 24-7, I want to be all there when I’m there. We do need time for other things. But let’s not use ‘later’ as an easy exit. Knowing our motives are sincere, we can justify it until it’s a habit. Why not let other things wait? Instead of our kiddos.

‘Later’ is often necessary. As long as it’s not necessary often. As long as my intention to love on them tomorrow doesn’t become a substitute for loving on them today.  

There is a huge difference between having good intentions and being intentional.  Intentional people do something with their intentions. So if I truly intend to ‘love well’, I must become intentional about giving attention to those I intend to love.

Giving attention comes before getting attention.

I asked Jerry what it means to ‘love well’. He said ‘I can demonstrate what I mean  right now. There's a line of pastors waiting behind you and my ride to the airport is waiting. I started to feel bad. Then he leaned in, looked me in the eyes and said,

“But right now Jack, you are the only one in my world.  How are you?  Really?"

Truth is: I felt alone and invisible. Jerry sensed it and stopped to care. Right then,  nothing mattered more to him than my pain. He put his world on hold to lean in, to listen and to pray with me. As if he had all the time in the world. Which he didn’t.

To be noticed is to be loved. Someone actually cared. I felt heard and understood. He was all there. Looking me in the heart. Listening with all of his. Loving me well.

A leader who’s attention is pulled many ways fixed his attention on a guy no one else noticed. A few minutes of Jerry’s undivided attention and heartfelt compassion did more to heal my soul and show me love than any sermon on love ever could.

Like adults, kids can’t see their worth by looking in mirrors. But by looking at God. Seeing how He sees them. Feels about them. It’s what Jesus showed us. So let’s give our children a picture of God by showing them how much we delight in them.

To show our kids how God sees them and treasures them, here’s a great gift idea.

The greatest gift you can give another
is the purity of your attention.   
                            Richard Ross                                                      

We might think we need our kids attention if we hope to influence them. But who  influenced us most in life? Isn’t it those who cared enough to give us attention? Who in spite of their busy lives said, ‘Right now, you’re the only one in my world’.

Next post: Loving kids well under pressure – Part 2
They’re His kids before they’re yours. You're God's child before you're their parent.  Please God 1st, then your spouse. You're called to Him before you're called to a task.

Sermon on loving well: 'Selfless Love in a Selfie World'. Same as video above.