Fall in love, then change the world

Excerpt: God says 'Go' after He says 'Come'. He only sends lovers. But I focus on fruit not abiding. Impact not intimacy. Result? Artificial fruit and zero impact. Who does Jesus use to change the world? His close friends.

Do you ever find yourself having to relearn the same life lesson over and over?

It wouldn’t be so bad, but for me it’s been 40 years trying to learn one simple truth. Imagine 1st grade 40 times. With no recess and tiny chairs. So why am I here? What’s the lesson I have yet to learn? The truth in my head my heart keeps missing?

Before God calls me to a task, He calls me to Himself. Our friendship matters more to Him than anything I do for Him. My head knows this. But my heart’s not there yet.
 
I tend to value impact over intimacy. Fruit over friendship. Whenever I do, it shows. Impact diminishes. Fruit withers. Like a branch off the vine. If I don't connect with God and feed on Him, all people get from me is me. When what they need is God.

And I need Him just as much. If I preach a sermon on walking with God, yet He and I haven’t had a heart to heart in months, you'll know it. And I'll be the last to notice.
I can write a bestseller on prayer. But if I don't pray, all those insights are just clouds without rain. Especially for me. Artificial fruit won't nourish the soul. Mine included. 

This is a current issue for me. I've struggled lately to express myself or write a post.  I'm too focused on how I say it than what I say. Or how you hear it. To the point I stop speaking from my heart. Nor am I listening for God's. That's when I become an echo instead of a voice. I describe this life I don’t live. Not that I lie. But I assume I’ve learned a truth if I understand it. As if knowing it is living it. So I guess it is a lie.

Example: I’ve said that what God wants most from us is friendship. And I believe it.

God called Moses up the mountain. To have a conversation with His friend. He told him what matters most to Him. As friends do. Jesus called men to ‘Come' and 'follow’. The word ‘follow’ comes from 2 words: ‘union’ and ‘road’. He’s saying 'Let's walk together.' If I ask where, He won’t tell. To Him, the walk is about the friendship.

We were created for God. He wants a one on one friendship with every one of us.
 
My head know it's true. My heart finds it hard to believe God wants me for a friend.
Richard Bolles said that just because a truth is universally true for all of us (i.e. Man is made in the image of God.) does not make it less individually true for each of us. What God said to Moses, David or Peter, He says to you. He wants your friendship.

Once I would have said 'I already am His friend'. I'm not so sure now. Yes, He's a friend to me. But what kind of friend am I? If I gave my friends the same amount of time, focus and devotion as I give to God, I"m not sure how close we'd actually be.

The Christian life is often called a ‘personal relationship with God’. So why do I feel closer to everyone I know than I do to God? It seems to me that if a friendship is personal, it means we’re close. We invest in the friendship. We talk to each other, know each other, trust each other. I care about you. Not just what you'll do for me.

But for me, most of my prayer life is focused on me. What God is doing or not doing for me. In worship, I focus on my experience or lack of it.. And miss Him. Or I fixate on my emotions and miss His. Yet I can't truly pray if I watch me pray. Or grow if I fixate on growing. When's the last time I asked God about what's on His heart?

A friendship is two hearts taking a long walk on the same road. It's what He's after.

In Bible College, God made it clear that this journey with Him is the reason I exist. I grew up in a Christian home and ‘received Christ’ as a boy. My dad was a pastor. So I grew up hearing about God. Wanting to serve God somehow, I went to a Bible college in Ohio. After one year, I felt like I knew God fairly well. And then I met Him.

Here’s what happened. Apart from my studies, I felt this strong pull to the Gospel of John. At first, I resisted. I saw it as a book for seekers or new believers. I did not want to read a book I’d read many times. Yet God was the one pulling. So I yielded.

To see God's Son is to see His heart. To see God's heart is to see Him as He truly is. Which lights a fire in any soul. I grew restless in my hunger to know Him. I started taking late night walks in the nearby hills. I’d pray, weep, sing, rant or just enjoy His company. The hills were my ‘tent of meeting’. A place for 2 friends to meet and talk.

Life was simple. All my heart wanted is God. 'Things of earth grew strangely dim’.

That is, until my senior year. Thoughts of graduation woke up my worry. I had no idea what I was going to do. Both for the summer and the rest of my life. I had prayed about career since high school. The 'calling' I waited for never came. I went to college wanting to know God and help others. As for future plans, I was clueless.

With graduation approaching, my prayer life disintegrated into one single prayer:
“Tell me what to do!” I kept waiting for a call that never came. Despite much prayer  and fasting. I was desperate. 'Please say something!' And He did. But all He said is
“Seek my face”. I was mad! “Are you serious!? What do you think I’ve been doing?” 

Truth is: I hadn't sought God Himself for months. I was too intent on finding His will.
In fact, my desire for direction had all but replaced my desire for God. It may sound noble to say 'I just want His will’. But love isn't the only motive that fuels that prayer. I was taught and believed my future in ministry depended on knowing my 'calling'. 

One day God finally spoke. All I had on my mind that day is lunch, my need for a restroom and seeing the girl who would become my wife. (Not in this order Dear.) As I left the restroom (so much for Mt. Sinai) I heard a whisper. “Jack, I’ve called you to love.” I instantly knew two things. I knew that God was simply reissuing the first commandment: Love God. Love others. I also knew this was it. This is my 'calling'.

I was mad! Again. "Thanks for the clarity! Must you be so generic! So vague! It’s like calling me to breathe! I need details! I know I’m to love. Love who? How? Where?"

This lack of direction about my ministry role would trouble me for years to come.  I
pursued pastoral care as it fit with my passion and gifts. But not hearing from God left me unclear as to where I fit and who I am.  I had no title to hang my identity on.
I felt lost. Without a 'call', major decisions paralyzed me. Please tell me what to do!

The older you get, the ego takes a hit if you still don't know what you want to be when you grow up. A lot of my angst over this is from misunderstanding God's will.
To me, His 'will' is specific direction: what to do. That's part of it, but what matters most to God is His general will. His purpose in making me. The kind of heart I have.

If I ignore that, I miss what matters most. To want direction is OK. Yet I can't confuse it with wanting His will. His will is His desire. When He said 'I've called you to love', He was telling me His dream. His vision for my life. What He wants most. He wants me!  He wants my love. And He wants me to love. Like Him. I was created for love.

He tried to tell me so. In a still small voice. But I insisted on wind, earthquake or fire.
I regret the years I wasted pursuing what I wanted while ignoring what He wanted.

We will not be satisfied until we satisfy Him,
and we will never find what we are looking for
until we find what He is looking for.
Misty Edwards

I now know that God in fact did call me. Back in college. Just as I prayed He would.  It just wasn’t the call I expected. He had called me to Himself. To love. It’s not that He didn’t have a ministry assignment for me. He did. But it's not His primary calling.

So why is it mine?

God's will is His desire. He calls us to what He wants. Which is?  The conversational friendship we enjoyed in the rolling hills of Ohio. That's what He was after all along.

It took me a lifetime to learn this lesson. Actually, scratch that. I still haven't learned it. I still want to hear a 'Go!' Yet what I still hear most is ‘Come!’. It's frustrating. And I tell Him. 'Hello!!  I’m here already!  So stop saying ‘Come’ and tell me where to go'
 
I want a mission. He wants a friend. Like me, Pastor Rick McKinley craved direction. His mentor told him, “God didn’t call you to Himself to use you Rick. He called you to love you.” Yes, God wants to use us. But not at the expense of friendship. Mission can't be first. He only sends out friends. Those who put the friendship first. Mk 3:14

Like Peter pulling up his feet, He can't use me to love you if I won't let Him love me.

My son Bryce wrote a song I needed 40 years ago I hear God's heart in the lyrics. ‘First let’s fall in love', then we’ll change the world.’ God changes the world. But He does so with fearless lovers who want to make Him known more than make a mark. In fact, He already did. They turned the world upside down. And they'll do it again.
                              
Do you ever get so distracted by what you do for God that you’re unaware of Him?
Does your service for God keep you so busy, you rarely have time to sit with Him?
I don’t ask for guilt's sake. But for His. And yours. We need the God we offer others.
  
Jack Hayford spoke at my graduation. Reminding us of what matters most before we set out to change the world. He said 'Fresh ministry flows out of fresh fellowship with God. The water you give others is only as fresh or life-giving as your prayer life'.

We can miss His call to fellowship if we just focus on His call to stewardship. His call to the first commandment is a call to what matters. When He said ‘Seek my face’, He was clarifying my purpose. The pull I felt to the hills was God calling me to Him.
An invitation to a journey. “Peter! Andrew! And yes, Jack! Will you walk with me?”
 
Do you ever feel a restless hunger you can’t explain? Which nothing satisfies? I do.
I once heard these lyrics during worship. It clarifies why I have this itch in my soul. 
‘Your hunger is His invitation. Your longing is the evidence He’s drawing you to Him.”
I can’t take credit for this hunger. The reason I want God is that He first wanted me.

“Before a man can seek God, God must first have sought the man.” 
A.W. Tozer

It's not just God that's calling me to a deeper friendship with Him. My own heart is.
David said 'My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”  Your face, Lord, I will seek.' Ps. 27

Reflection: Do you feel a restless hunger you can't account for?  Is God calling you to Him? Is ministry distracting your heart? If so, go for a walk. Have a heart to heart.