But I need love with skin on - Pt 3

Excerpt: How I see God shapes how loss affects me. If I think God took my love, I won't bring Him my hurt. If I think God should be enough, I'll feel guilty if He’s not. He won’t shame me for grief. He’ll grieve with me.

(This post was originally published Feb 13, 2018)

“Joy is not necessarily the absence of suffering.
It is the presence of God in the midst of it.”
Sam Storms

This quote helps me. If I think God’s comfort is the removal of all pain and later  find I’m still hurting, I'll likely assume that either my faith is weak or God is absent.  For the ache of a loved one's absence can make me wonder if God is absent too. Why would I think that? Because it still hurts. Why am I still hurting if He's with me?

God promises His presence. But He doesn't come to ‘make up’ for the absence of our loved one. When I find myself without the love I long for, whether because of  death or unmet longings, God joins me in my pain. But He may not take it away.

In fact, He can’t. No one can take away the pain of losing you. Not if I still love you.
If I loved you while you were here, I will grieve your loss whenever you're gone. As I should. Our hearts still need to love them. Grief is one way we express that love.
When we miss them, think about them, treasure their memory, we're loving them.

"There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. … For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the authentic relationship."
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Bonhoeffer goes on to say 'gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain'. Hold your memories close. It helps you hold your loved ones close. It hurts. But forgetting hurts more. 

God grieves over my loved ones too. Yet He does not take their place in my life. Or my heart. He sits with me. Yet there is still an empty place where they once sat.

God assumes His role in my life. Not yours. When you're gone,
He won't try to fill up the hole in my heart. He'll sit with me in it.

God will assume His role in my life. But not yours. He won't fill the hole you leave.
Nor spare me the pain that comes with losing you. If God filled up the ache in me so I never feel your absence, it tells me I don't need you if I have God. To erase my pain, He'd have to erase all my memories and my love for you. Love won't do that.

God cares about those we love, those we hope to love and loved ones we've lost.
He gave His Son an earthly father, whose love He needed, whose loss He grieved.
He gave Rebekah to Isaac who ‘was comforted after his mother’s death’. Gen.24
It's God who ‘sets the lonely in families’ & says 'it's not good for man to be alone'.

Yet this truth won't fill up the hole in me left by loss. Yet neither will covering it up.
If you long for a ‘love with skin on’, God gave it to you. Don't disown your longing.

It's easy for me to say 'Give your pain to God'. What's not easy is when you try and all you hear is silence. You pray but all you feel is the same pain you feel everyday.
You read His Word but your thoughts still trouble you. Besides the 'why' question, new questions surface. 'Does He even care? Is it my weak faith? Am I discontent?'

You may feel 'Shouldn't God be enough?' Many who truly want God feel guilty because they also want 'love with skin on'. Or because of how deeply they grieve.

God is the one who broke my heart.
Why would I ever trust Him with it?

I won't let God into my pain if I'm ashamed of it. Or if trust is broken. Whether true or not, if i think God is the one who broke my heart, why would I trust Him with it?

So if He’s not asking us to ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’, what is it God wants from us? Just what we want from friends who hurt. An open door. Permission to grieve with us. He’s not asking us to be strong. He’s offering His strength. His presence. His listening ear. He'll never force us to talk. But He's ready to listen if we ever want to.

Many who suffer have very good reasons why they can't trust God with their pain. If we heard their stories, we'd understand why they see God as they do. Even if I could 'prove' to them that God is love, it's a bit like telling you that your friend loves you when He hasn't told you Himself or your experience tells you otherwise.

The harsh reality is that many who suffer did run to God with their hurt. But found His door closed. Even if I can prove it's open, my silence is a wiser gift. And kinder.
I'm not the Dad who cried out to God for a dying son and buried him days later. I'm not the woman who wants to be married but finds herself alone year after year.

I can't answer these hard questions. At least not in a way that would ease the pain.
I bring them up to raise a new question. To ask it of God might help. Or it may not.

There are some losses in life I have no control over. 
I do have control over the meaning I attach to them.

Events beyond my control happen all the time. I can't control them. What I can control is the meaning I attach to them. The meaning I give a loss affects how I feel about it and how I feel about God. Which can cause as much pain as the loss itself.

If you can’t trust God, I won't question your view of Him. But l ask you to. Not to 'get it right'. But if there's a chance you're wrong about Him, it's worth finding out.

If we doubt a friend's motives, we confirm it before we stop talking or just 'end it'.  I don't like others judging my heart without hearing me out. Let me speak for me.  Yet I do it to God. Can I let God speak for Himself? And for the heart I can't trust?

For your sake and His, work through any issues that broke your trust or your heart.
I don't know your story with God. You may have legitimate reasons to 'call it quits'.

But if your marriage was at risk, I'd urge you to fight for it with all your heart before ending it. Yes, your spouse must fight for it too. But as in a strained marriage, I can assume God has given up on me like I've given up on Him. But what if He hasn't? What if His heart is breaking over the very loss He allowed? That broke your heart.

Find out. Our friendship with God is worth fighting for. To Him, it's worth dying for.

What's my point? Isn’t walking with God our focus? This is about owning my grief. And even if I do, I still hurt. I'm glad God sees my need for love. But I'm still alone. So how does all relate to my friendship with God? Here's my attempt to sum it up.

No one can take the place of those you've lost.
Nor those you've never yet found. 
Not even God.
But neither can anyone else take His place.

I need people. I also need God. I need ‘love with skin on’. I also need God's love. 
I need both. The love of another will never 'fill' God's place. Without Him, I'll still
still feel empty. Even if I had my loved ones back or find the love I've longed for.

For there's a place in your heart for God alone. And it's a place no one else can fill.
There’s also a place in His heart for you alone. It too is a place no one else can fill.

Let God be who He is. We need people to fill their roles. We need God to fill His. He's a father, a husband, a friend. But He's not replacing those people in my life. They're metaphors to show us His heart. What He’s like. How He loves. He loves as a husband, father or friend loves. Which is what my heart needs when I feel alone.

How do we know He’s like this? God became a man. In His face I see His heart. In His tears I see His compassion. In His cross I see His mercy. He suffered what I suffer. He felt what I feel. What a beautiful heart God has! A heart I see in His Son.  
The Word become flesh, God in human skin. The one my heart needs most. He is:

‘Love with skin on’

Question for reflection: Has loss or unmet needs ever changed your view of God? How has your view of God affected the way you process loss or unmet needs?

RESOURCES: 'Experiencing Grief' H Norman Wright or his PDF Excerpt on grief
'Uninvited' by Lysa Terkeurst, 'Finding God in my loneliness' by Lydia Brownback