Falling in Like all over Again - Pt 5

Excerpt: If any one quality can make me more likable to you or change your heart for me, it’s genuine kindness. Learning to love brings a joy that looking for love can’t provide. I find joy in seeking your joy.

     Recap of ‘Falling in Like’ series: How to respond to your mate when your hearts drift apart.
     Pt 1: Reflect on the current state of your marriage. Recall what it was like at the start.     
     Pt 2 + Pt 3:  Recognize where you began to drift apart and journey separately. 
      We drift apart … when I only see your faults … when I lose touch with where you’re at emotionally
    … when I chase after empty pursuits … when I focus on the rules of marriage instead of who I married
    … when I look to you for needs only God can meet … when I no longer see or admire the good in you
    … when my desires control me .. when marriage is an obligation .. when I rarely ever think about you
    Pt 4:  Resume your journey together on the road of unconditional love.
    Pt 5:  Recover your ‘likability’ through simple kindness and goodness. 

Recover your ‘likability’ through kindness and goodness. 

 “I led them with cords of kindness, with the bands of love” Hosea 11:4
 “I have drawn you with unfailing kindness” Jer 32: 3 

“Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked,
but it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.”
Michael Scott, The Office. Season 4: Fun Run 

Michael projects a confident image. Indifferent to what people think. Yet his bravado here only exposes his insecurity. While denying the need to be liked, he contradicts himself by saying 'I have to be liked'. He thinks he fooled the staff by saying being liked doesn't matter. "But it's not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised." If my need to be praised becomes a compulsion, I need to be liked. 

If my need to be liked becomes a craving or a demand, it has the opposite effect. I become less likable.  
Problem is: I don’t realize it. I think I’m as sweet, selfless, humble and kindhearted as I’ve always been.

Then I see a look on her face and think “Does she even like me?” But before I complain or ask her, I’d be
wise to ask the Holy Spirit to join me at my mirror and ask 'Am I still likable?' Not 'Am I attractive?' But 'Am I the kind of guy people like?' Reflecting on how I treat her, is there just cause for her to dislike me?  
If I have any lingering doubts, I’d be wise to stop expecting her to like me and try to become more likable.

 What kind of qualities makes a person likable? Most of us like people who are …
Genuine.  Caring.  Honest.  Empathetic. Respectful.  Friendly. Warm.  Fun. Humorous. Confident. Happy.
Open-minded.  Good listeners.   Positive.  Complimentary.   Grateful.  Interesting.   Interested.  Generous.
Thoughtful.  Not judgmental.  Don’t seek attention.  Humble. Encouraging. Hopeful. Consistent. Relaxed. Passionate.  Appropriately affectionate. They like themselves.  Laugh at themselves.  Attentive. Authentic.

It’s not which likable quality I have that matters. It’s having the one quality that rules them all: kindness.
Of all the qualities we like, the one we all are most drawn to is kindness. For that's the one we need most.

The Greek word chrēstos means ‘kind, good’. Chrēstotēs combines 2 qualities: ‘kindness and goodness’.
Chrēstos was used to describe something ‘useful or good for its intended purpose’. Such as healthy food.
Jesus used it when He said ‘No one who has drunk old wine wants new because the old is good.’ chrēstos
Chrēstos was later broadened to describe a person with a good heart who showed kindness to everyone.

It was also used to describe God: ‘the Lord is good’ 1 Pet 2:3, ‘He is kind to grateful and evil men’ Lk 6:35
‘when the kindness of God appeared’ Tit 3:4 ‘His kindness is intended to lead you to repentance’ Ro 2:4

Notice the last verse. Repentance means to turn around or return to God. Have you ever felt so far away from your spouse and wondered what it’ll take for them to turn their heart to you? Ro. 2:4 gives us a hint.
It’s not God’s power or majesty that draws us to want Him. It’s His kindness. Kindness can turn a heart.

Kind words are the music of the world. They have a power which seems to be beyond natural causes, as if some angel’s song lost its way and came to earth. It seems as if they could almost do what in reality God alone can do – soften the hard and angry hearts of men. No one is ever corrected by a sarcasm – crushed but drawn nearer to God? Never.  
Kindness has converted more sinners than zeal, eloquence, or learning.
Frederick W. Faber.

In the same way that the kindness of God draws us to Him, our kindness is what draws others to us.                              “What is desirable in a person is his kindness” Pr 19:22 NASB 

Kindness is attractive. We like kind people. But don’t use that like a cute puppy to win affection. That’s
not kindness. It’s manipulation and it’ll backfire. CS Lewis said “You’ll never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you’re making.” Be kind because you want to be. It may not change her but it'll change you. But if anything can change a heart, it’s kindness.
 
Never underestimate the power of simple kindness. It can soften a hard heart, heal a rift and restore joy.
And never underestimate the power of careless words, a sharp angry tone, rude sarcasm or impatience.

I’ll never forget a rebuke God gave me after a message I preached one Sunday morning. I worked hard on the sermon and I was proud of it. The people’s compliments afterwards reinforced my pride. And yet I felt very unsettled in my soul. I asked God about it. In my heart, I felt a loving but firm correction. 'You are so prayerful and careful to find the right words for a sermon, yet you say whatever you think to your wife.'

I was so focused on trying to please others, I gave little thought to how my words might make her feel.

1 Cor. 13 describes kindness well: A kind person is patient. Never rude. Humble. Will not disrespect you.
Not self-serving. Not easily angered. Keeps no record of wrongs. Hates evil. Won’t rejoice in your failure. Loves honesty. Always protects. Always trusts. Always hopes. Always perseveres. Never fails to be kind.
As A.W. Tozer said about God, a kind person is ‘easy to live with’. You feel safe, wanted, loved and liked.

Are you easy to live with? People notice how you make them feel. Does your wife feel safe, loved, liked?
 
We’re quite familiar with the ‘love chapter’. But did you ever notice the verse before and after 1 Cor 13?
1 Co 12 lists the various spiritual gifts that are given to us ‘for the common good’: for the good of others.
But He ends Ch. 12 on gifts by saying “Yet I will show you the most excellent way”. The way to do what?
The way to serve your good. And what’s the best way to do that? It’s to love you. It’s the ‘way of love’.

In Jer 32, God delights in doing Israel good. In Jer 24, His intentional goodness is what draws them back.
'My eyes will watch over them for their good and I will bring them back .. they will return to me.' Jer 24

Nowhere is this more true than in marriage. Of all the things I can do for my wife to serve her good, the greatest gift I can give her is unconditional love and a husband who is kind. Why? It’s what she needs.  

Paul puts 1 Cor. 13 between the two chapters on church life: calling us to ‘Follow the way of love’. 14:1
Why highlight love in a letter on church life? Because love is the only sure foundation for any relationship.

Unfortunately, many try to build their marriage on the foundation of happiness. As if the purpose for marriage is to make each other happy. If we believe that, we’ll start measuring our mates by how well they’re doing at making us happy. But that is NOT why God gave you the spouse He gave you. Sure, they will add to your happiness in life. But they were never meant to BE the source of your happiness. God is.
 
You will never be happy, nor will your soul ever be fully satisfied apart from a close friendship with God.
Nor can you be happy apart from becoming the kind of person God made you to be. A person who loves.

Why is it that our closest relationships are usually what bring us the greatest joy in life? I don’t think it’s just because they love us. While the joy of being loved is sweet and deep, Jesus hints at a deeper joy when He says “It is more blessed (Greek: makarios - ‘happy’) to give than to receive.” It's in the context of helping the weak. Makarios is used in Jn 3:16: God so loved that He ‘gave’. Giving love makes Him happy.

Jesus believes there is far more joy in giving love than receiving love. Imagine a parent who works hard and sacrifices much to give their girl a long desired special gift that she’s given up hope of ever getting.
When she finally opens her gift, she experiences great happiness in finally having her wish granted. But what Mom and Dad get in seeing her deep joy is the gift of joy. A joy far deeper than any gift they’ll get.

“The deep happiness that marriage can bring, then, lies on the far side of sacrificial service in the power of the Spirit. That is, you only discover your own happiness after each of you has put the happiness of your spouse ahead of your own, in a sustained way, in response to what Jesus has done for you.
 
Some will ask, “If I put the happiness of my spouse ahead of my own needs—then what do I get out of it?” The answer is—happiness. That is what you get, but a happiness through serving others instead of using them … It is the joy that comes from giving joy, from loving another person in a costly way. …
Fulfillment is found on the far side of sustained unselfish service, not the near side”.

Tim Keller (from ‘The Meaning of Marriage’)

If you can find rest for your soul in God’s love for you, you’ll find you have more love to offer your mate. Loving your spouse with unconditional love will not guarantee you’ll both fall in like or fall in love again.
However, the chances of that happening are certainly far greater if you grow in love than if you don’t.  

There is one guarantee. Learning to love will guarantee you a joy that looking for love will never provide.

Imagine coming home to your family with a full love tank because you’re putting down roots in God’s love. It's clear to all that you’re there to love them. To help. To meet their needs rather than get yours met. Your needs matter, but you’ll trust God and her with your needs. You’re less focused on expectations and more focused on how much you love your family and how you can serve your wife. To your shock, loving them brings you joy too. So you keep it up and one day you find yourself truly happy. She sees it too and smiles.

And then you look over at the girl you fell for years ago and say “I think I’m falling in like all over again”.
Then you see that happy familiar smile and think what you thought forty years ago, “I think she likes me!”

Or not. 😊
We can hope, but I guess we can't predict the future. 
But that scenario is far more likely for a loving man than a discontented one. 
Either way, you'll be a much happier man if you're a loving man. 
And a happy man is a likable man. A man who likes himself and likes you.