Falling in Like all over Again Part 3

Excerpt: Warning signs of drifting apart: Looking to your spouse for needs only God can meet. When you lose your awe. When desires control you. When love is a duty, not a joy. When you forget your friend.

Recap of Post 1 and 2: How to respond to our mates when our hearts begin to drift.
Post # 1:  Reflect on your friendship so far and identify where you’re at now.
                   Remember what your journey of friendship was like when it started.
Post # 2:  Recognize where you began to journey separately. 
#1. You can drift apart when all you can see is their faults or the differences between you.
#2. You can drift apart when you stop noticing where your friend is at right now.  
#3. You can drift apart when you give your mind and heart to empty pursuits.    
#4. You can drift apart when you know the rules of friendship, but don’t know your friend.

Post #3: Recognize where you began to journey separately. (cont.)

#5. You can drift apart if you look to your spouse for needs only God can meet.

“My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water,
 and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”  Jer. 2:13

You and your God:
If you look to others for what only God can give, you miss out on the only water that satisfies. For you were made for God.

You and your Spouse:  
I learned this the hard way. Once while on a sales trip out of town, I was troubled about a conflict Gayle and I had before I left. Feeling anxious about the tension between us, I knelt in my motel room and asked God to speak to me about it. To my surprise, He did! He whispered “Be happy Jack!” At first I argued ‘I would be happy if she’d just …” God interrupted me.  “Be happy Jack.” I finally saw it! The reason for our conflict is that I was trying to find happiness in Gayle instead of God. I expected her to meet a need that only God can meet. I was made for God. So I'll never be truly happy apart from Him. 

If you look to your spouse to meet all your needs, you're bound to be disappointed. The problem is not with your spouse. It's with your expectations and where you put your hope. There’s a place in your heart for your spouse. God won’t try to fill it or meet the needs only a spouse can meet. But there’s also a place in your heart for God alone. And no one else can fill it.

When I expect my wife to meet needs only God can meet, I put incredible pressure on her. It’s deeply frustrating because no matter how hard she tries, she knows she can never please me. And she wants to! It drains all the joy out of marriage.

When I expect my wife to meet needs only God can meet, I put incredible pressure on her. It’s deeply frustrating because no matter how hard she tries, she knows she can never please me. And she wants to! It drains all the joy out of marriage.

The words ‘Be happy Jack!’ jump started my soul’s battery. Not because I just decided to 'be happy' or chased happiness.
I didn’t. But I did start chasing God. Not His blessings, but Him. As my friendship with God grew stronger, so did the joy.     
I also felt less needy. I didn't crave Gayle's approval. I hardly thought of it. One day she said “You know, I used to feel an expectation from you. I was never sure if I pleased you. But I haven’t felt that pressure in a long time." Somehow she can tell if I'm looking to her for my joy or if I'm looking to God. If I'm finding my joy in God, I come to her with a full heart. One ready to love. Not empty and looking for love. She knows if I'm loving her for her sake or mine. If there's an ulterior motive, she can tell. And if there's not, it's far easier for her to love me freely if she isn't worried about my expectations. 

#6.  You can drift apart when you stop admiring or respecting one another. 

Consider then and realize how evil and bitter it is for you when you
 forsake the Lord your God and have no awe of me  Jeremiah 2:19

You and your God:
I went through a long season of spiritual apathy. My soul had grown bored with God. There’s a name for it. Acedia: ‘an onset of spiritual apathy, a lack of interest in God or spiritual things’. And it isn’t the unbelieving athiest who suffers from this disease of the soul. Note the word ‘onset’. It implies someone who had a hunger for God, but no longer does.
 
Notice how God is in awe over their lack of awe. He even calls it evil. Is God insecure? An egomaniac who thinks it’s evil to not tell Him He's awesome? Why is a loss of awe ‘evil’? Look again. 'realize how evil and bitter it is for you to have no awe of me’. His plea is for their sake! 'Evil means ‘bad’. ‘Bitter’ means ‘disappointing’. Without awe, life is disappointing. Rabbi Heschel said ‘life without wonder is not worth living.’ Nor is the Christian life if we're no longer in awe of Christ. 

Why does awe and wonder fade? Overfamiliarity. It’s a sedative. It dulls the senses. I see everything through a lens of indifference. Including God. Yet He hasn’t changed! The eyes I see with have. A heart can't remain astonished by beauty it no longer sees. Desire fades. I feel emotionally flat. The fire’s out. I lose my thirst for God. If honest, I’m bored with God.
 
You and your spouse:
The same thing can happen in a marriage. Watch a bride and groom at their wedding. The way they look at each other. What you see in their eyes reflects the love they feel. And the wonder they feel. Most newlyweds experience an emotion that is best described with the word ‘awe’. You can see it in his face as she walks down the aisle. Or in hers as he vows his love with tears in his eyes. Yes, that feeling won't stay constant forever, but it's also lost far too quickly and far too easily.  

“Marriage is, before it is anything else, an act of contemplation. It is a divine pondering, an exercise in amazement.
This is evident from the very start, from the moment a man and a woman first lay eyes on one another
and realize they are in love. The whole thing begins with a wondrous ‘looking’, a helpless staring,
an irresistible compulsion simply to behold. For suddenly, there is so much to see!

There is a divine paralysis of adoration; everything else stops, or at least fades into the background
and love takes center stage.  Suddenly, for what seems the first time in life, one is presented … with an object
that is entirely worthy of one’s wholehearted love and devotion. That is what ‘falling in love” means.”
Mike Mason

The ’paralysis of adoration’ is where I can’t do anything but stare at my loved one and simply adore the person she is. 
We talk as if liking, loving and adoring are sequential stages. Are they? I think they're all mixed together. You not only like her, you like everything about her. The more you know her, the easier it is to love her. And the liking won't stop when love starts growing in your heart. As for adoration, words can't capture what it means to adore someone or what it feels like to be adored. But do you remember the feeling? The feeling of loving someone more deeply than you ever knew you could. 

Yes, we can make too much of emotion. And yes, it's not wise to chase emotions for emotions sake. Yet at the same time, just how deep is your love or how close is your friendship if it seldom if ever affects your emotions or touches your heart?

Like a sedative, acedia changes us. And our relationships. I knew it was affecting my walk with God when thoughts of God no longer affected me. My wake up call? The day I realized how much God still loved me, despite my apathy. And despite the fact that my apathy broke His heart. Even when my heart was no longer moved by His love, His heart was still moved by thoughts of me! My casual neglect broke His heart, yet He kept reaching out to me! Refusing to drift away. Like I had.

In light of His affection for me, I don’t want to lose mine for Him. I don't want to grow indifferent to my God or my bride.
To reawaken awe in your wife's heart, start with yours. Look at her again! You can't fall in love with what you don't see.  

#7. You can drift apart when you become addicted to pleasure or controlled by your desires.

“Do not run until your feet are bare and your throat is dry. But you said, 
"It’s no use! I love foreign gods, and I must go after them.’  Jeremiah 2:25

You and your God:
One reason Israel forsook God is her addiction to pleasure and lust. God warned her of this. ‘Why spend money on what is not bread or labor on what doesn’t satisfy?’ Isa 55 Jesus warns us of this danger: 'They hear the word but the worries of this life, deceitfulness of wealth and desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.” Mk. 4

If I have 12 donuts and a liter of Coke Thanksgiving morning, I won’t be hungry for Mom's feast at noon. Why aren’t we more hungry for God than we are? Because we eat far too much of the things that can’t satisfy our souls and far too little of that which can. I won’t find relief for the itch in my soul by scratching my body. Only God can satisfy the itch in my soul.  

My physical appetite for food grows stronger if I don’t eat. And the hunger lessens once I eat. With spiritual hunger, it’s the opposite. If I don’t feast on God’s word daily, I lose my hunger for God. But if I take in His Word as my daily food, my hunger for God grows. The more I eat, the hungrier I get. My love for God deepens the more I spend time with Him. 

One reason many drift away from God is the belief that there is something out there (besides God) that can satisfy my soul. When it fails to do so, I rarely look to God. I look for something else to satisfy my soul. And often, it's my spouse. 

You and your Spouse:
If I enter marriage in the hope that my spouse will fill the hole in my soul,what will I do when she doesn’t ‘complete me’ ?

"Addiction begins with the hope that something 'out there' can instantly fill up the emptiness inside.
So we look to our mates. When we can't connect with each other, we connect with whatever we can find."
Ray Recovery Addiction Center

Nothing destroys intimacy like looking outside God and the marriage for the connection we need.  Those who don’t look for it in an affair may try to satisfy their emotional needs in other ways. While substance abuse, alcohol or pornography are the obvious culprits, there are non-moral distractions that can also capture my attention and my heart. Which creates a disconnect between me and my wife. Leaving me frustrated, unsatisfied in life and unhappy with her. And she with me.  

The easily bored are easily frustrated. Too much boredom coupled with a lack of self-control and we can find ourselves seeking pleasure for pleasure’s sake. Between movies, TV, social media or a hobby I love, there is no lack of stimulation for a bored brain that’s in need of a thrill or a temporary escape from daily reality. Over-stimulation is hard on a marriage. If I buy the lie that marriage is one long honeymoon, I'll start resenting the mundane duties that come with loving others well.

Nothing quenches the fire of love like expecting your spouse to relieve your boredom, make you feel good and scratch every itch that comes along. Have desires but don't let them have you! Discontent creates a gap between you. Don’t let it! When your mate can't meet a need, don't become obsessed with any diversion that'll scratch your itch. It widens the gap.

#8.  You can drift apart when you see this journey together as an obligation rather than a privilege.

“O my people, hear the words of the LORD! Have I been like a desert to Israel? Have I been to them a land of darkness? 
Why then do my people say, ‘At last we are free from God! We don’t need him anymore!’  Jeremiah 2:31

You and your God:
Ever wonder what God felt in His heart after creating man? What He did while Adam and Eve explored their new home?
I think He did what parents do at Christmas. While the kids look at their presents, Mom and Dad look at the kids. And their faces light up when the kids light up. But nothing compares to the joy of seeing that face light up at the sight of you!

I once arrived home to find my grandson Miles on the porch. Waiting. When he saw me, his face lit up and he screamed,  ‘Papa!!!’Few moments are sweeter than seeing a child you love overcome with joy, simply because you walked in the room.

On the flip side, it’s a sad day when our kids lose that wide-eyed wonder. No longer fascinated by life or by us. Kids rarely notice as the wonder fades. But we do. When a child loses their sense of awe, it's we who feel the loss. It also hurts when kids lose their gratitude for our gifts. But that pain is nothing like the pain of watching your child lose their love for you. 

How many spouses feel this pain? When she no longer feels what she once felt for you. It stings to know that the one who fell in love with you has now ‘fallen out of love’. This is the pain God feels as he pens this love letter to His bride in Jer 2. No wonder his heart is broken. In vs 2, He said ‘I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you followed me through the wilderness’. But listen to her now? “At last we are free from God! We don’t need Him anymore” vs 31  

I feel loved when those I love enjoy my presence and want me close. But how would I feel if they no longer cared about me? Or just tolerated me? Or said ‘Oh to be free of you!”  The sting is even worse when my love for them hasn’t changed. For God, it’s not hypothetical. It's reality. Many of His kids don’t love Him or want His love. They want love. Just not His. 

You and your Spouse:
Do you remember the feeling of seeing his face light up when you walked in a room? That feeling is lost when you come home from your first day on a new job and he doesn’t ask about it? Do you remember how you felt on your wedding day? You can lose that feeling if he forgets an anniversary. Not because he forgot it. But the meaning you attach to what he did. 'You didn’t ask about my job because you only care about yours. You forgot our anniversary because it's not important.'

I’m not implying that you or your mate have done this or feel this way about each other. I only wish to issue a caution and call your attention to how you honestly feel deep down in your heart about your spouse and about your marriage. Because if you ever feel stuck in a marriage you're unhappy in, but you resist having an honest conversation about it or getting help from a counselor, the feeling won’t stay hidden forever. It’ll come out in ways you regret and wound the family you love. 

Imagine how Israel’s words affected God. ‘At last we are free from God! We don’t need him anymore! It’s a reminder to watch my words, especially what I say to my wife.  A few weeks ago, I felt frustrated by something Gayle said and reacted sharply with cruel words. It hurt to the pain my words caused her. And my sharp reaction was due to a misunderstanding.
I thought she was implying something that she wasn’t. But it was too late to undo the damage or the pain I caused her.

It's not so much what you say, As the manner in which you say it; It's not so much the language you use,
As the tone in which you convey it. Words may be mild and fair, But the tone may pierce like a dart;
Words may be soft as the summer air, But the tone may break my heart. Then, would you quarrels avoid
and in peace and love rejoice? Keep anger not only out of your words. Keep it out of your voice.
Anisha Sipporah

Be cautious about saying whatever you feel whenever you feel it. This kind of reckless candor is seen as a virtue these days. But not everything you think is right. Even if it is, there's a loving way to say it. Have you ever spoken a careless cruel word that crushed the soul of your spouse? But like me, after talking through it, you may find that your rash words were based on a misunderstanding. But unlike a Word Doc, once your words are spoken and heard, you can’t always 'undo' or 'redo'.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou.

#9.  You can drift apart when you’re preoccupied with the journey and forget your friend.    
  
“Does a maiden forget her jewelry, a bride her wedding ornaments?
Yet my people have forgotten me, days without number.”   Jeremiah 2:32

You and your God:
A friendship is two hearts taking a long walk on the same road. That is what God is after. Is it what I’m after?
All too often, it's not. I’m too much like Israel in vs. 32. I forget God. Why? I want out of the life I have, but don't want.
Or I'm chasing a life I want, but don't have. Either way, my attention is pulled to whatever I desire at the moment. 
And what captures my attention most eventually captures my heart. So I forget about God. For 'days without number'. 

If God seems far away, listen to the theologian Meister Eckhart. “God is at home, it's we who have gone out for a walk.”

The God who came into our world came into mine in 1964. And He's never left. Not once. But I have. Quite often in fact.
I haven't rejected Him. I just forget Him. I'm preoccupied with everything but Him. Living out my days unaware of how unaware l really am. I often feel like Jacob. 'Surely the Lord is in this place yet I was not aware of it!'

“We cannot attain the presence of God. We’re already totally in the presence of God.
What’s absent is awareness.”  
Richard Rohr

Do you ever find yourself so preoccupied with this busy but beautiful life that you forget the God who gave you this life?
The Christian life is often called a ‘personal relationship with God’. But if it’s ‘personal’, it means God and I are close.
We talk to each other, know each other, trust each other. We treasure every chance to be together. Because we treasure each other. But if there’s little to no fellowship, the relationship isn’t ‘personal’. I’m not even sure I'd call it a relationship.

You and your Spouse:  
The same is true in marriage. A marriage without an ongoing conversation and a heart connection isn’t one you'll fight for.

One night while struggling over a difficult decision coming up, I went to our church sanctuary to pray. The room was dark as I sat down. I wanted to hear the still small voice of God. Instead, I heard a loud voice shout ‘Jack!’ as a man grabbed my shoulders. It was a staff pastor who thought he'd surprise me. He sure did. I was in shock as I truly thought I was all alone.

There is nothing like thinking you’re all alone only to find out you’re not! I wrote that sentence before catching the irony. I ‘knew’ I was alone. It never crossed my mind that someone else might be in the room. The few moments in which I was oblivious to my pastor’s presence is a perfect metaphor of how I can lose all awareness of the God I’m supposedly ‘with’. 

In 2 Chronicles 15:2 a prophet said “The Lord is with you when you are with Him. If you seek Him, He will be found by you.” This isn’t about God’s omnipresence. God is saying He will make Himself known to those who want to know Him. And His presence will be experienced by those who want His presence. We are as close to God as we want to be! If we seek Him, we’ll find Him. If we draw near to God, He’ll draw near to us. What does this have to do with intimacy in marriage?
 
Just as I thought I was alone in that church, I can live with my my mate in the same house and spend most of our time together and yet feel totally alone in my heart. Where it counts. Either because one or both of us aren't ready for a heart to heart. Or if we are, the other is too guarded to let us in. Or it's just too great of a risk to say what I really need to say. Or to hope that we could get closer than we are. We tried but failed. We talk but we don’t know how to have a real heart to heart.

So what do we do if one or both of us are afraid of the very intimacy we desire. We busy ourselves with other distractions. We give up on the dream of a deep friendship like we used to enjoy and settle for living as room mates and acting married.
All the while we find ourselves waiting for the other to make the first move. Each thinking ‘If they loved me, they would ..’

“He rolls home after the house is dark.  His heart as cold as a stone.
And he lies back to back with his wife in the sack. Together all alone.”
Bob Bennett

I once heard a story about a older couple. They had a truck with a bench seat. At the start of their marriage, they were usually cuddled up close together as the husband drove. Through the years, they sat farther apart until, eventually, she sat right by the passenger door. One day a young couple passed them in a convertible cuddled close together. She said, “I miss the days when we were so in love, we were inseparable and cuddled close." Her husband quietly said "I never moved.”

It's not easy to initiate a heart to heart conversation. It feels like too great a risk if it doesn’t go well. So we put it off. Again.
Or we stubbornly hold on to past hurts and insist the ball’s in their court. If they love me, they’ll prove it. They'll apologize.
I appeal to you not as a spouse but as a Christian. Follow the example of Jesus. Make the first move. It's what love does.

Whether they respond well or not is not your responsibility. Nor should it be what motivates you to act. Don't do it in hopes they'll love you back. That isn’t love. That's risk management and self-preservation. The intimacy you desire can’t grow in that toxic soil. Trust God with your need for their love. Get out of the boat! Love like Jesus. Love them regardless! 

Next Post: ‘Falling in Like all over Again’  Part 4
Resume your journey together and return to the ‘main road’ of unconditional love.
Recover the joy of friendship and the joy of liking each other again.