Falling in Like all over Again Pt 1

Excerpt: What do you do if you and your spouse drift apart? Discern where things are at now. Recall the early years. We avoid remembering for fear it’ll raise hopes. So the God of hope reminds us, hoping it does.

“Life never seems to turn out they way you think it will, about 90% of the time.”
Lori

Lori’s sobering words come from a story John Eldredge shared in his book ‘Waking the Dead’. Lori and her husband told John this story after a 3 week vacation in France to celebrate their 25th anniversary. For years, they dreamed of celebrating their 25th in Paris. Then it all came together. I’ll let John tell the rest.

“Some friends gave them tickets. Time off was available. They were going to France. They got to Paris. Then it all fell apart. Craig came down with walking pneumonia; Lori wanted to leave the 3rd day. All sorts of issues in their marriage surfaced, but, since they were with friends, the issues mostly played themselves out in their own thoughts, which tended towards divorce. It wasn’t romantic; it was hard. Reflecting afterwards, Lori told John,
“Life never seems to turn out they way you think it will, about 90% of the time.”

Can you relate? It may not be an anniversary trip that didn’t turn out as you hoped. It may be the entire journey. The relationship itself. You suddenly realize that neither of you feel the same way about each other as you once did. Someone said that marriage is a journey two people decide to take together.  But in the journey of marriage, sometimes it feels like you took a detour somewhere and you find yourselves in a place you never expected to be. You realize that your relationship is not where you thought it would be at this point in your journey together.

So what do you do when the one you love is a totally different person? (FYI: In all likelihood, so are you.) What do you do when your marriage is also different than it used to be? And not in a good way. Many give up and quit. Others won’t quit but they quit trying. They don’t invest in the marriage. They’re together, But together all alone.
 
It's a real wakeup call when you realize that a relationship you treasure is no longer what it used to be. Just as people change, so do relationships. Like us, they can grow weak or get stronger. If you find your relationship weak, don’t panic! What is weak can be strengthened. If you see cracks in your foundation, foundations can be fortified! Whatever you do, don’t give up! The strongest friendships are those that are forged in the fire of testing.

"The strongest relationships are the ones that start over. When things fall apart, it's easy to walk away. But starting over takes real courage. It's not about pretending nothing happened. It's about acknowledging the mistakes and deciding to rebuild. Relationships lose their spark when trust fades or communion stops. But if
two people are willing to fight for it, anything can be fixed. Starting over means learning to forgive not just
your partner, but yourself. It's about rekindling the friendship ... and passion and building a new foundation.

You can't go back to the way things were, but you can create something even stronger. Something based on lessons learned and mutual respect. Truth is: restarting isn't weakness. It's growth. It's saying 'I see your flaws and I'm still choosing you. It's hard work, but the best things in life always are. Believe in second chances!"
Jordan Peterson

If your journey has taken a detour you didn’t plan on… if your friendship is not turning out as you hoped, take a lesson from the ‘friend who sticks closer than a brother’. Watch how He responds to His bride as she takes a detour to chase greener grass. Watch His heart toward Israel when their hearts turn away.

Jeremiah tells the story of a broken friendship and broken hearts. As you read the text thread between God and Israel, watch how He responds to them. There are lessons here for us. Both in our friendship with God and others.  I'll focus on the marriage relationship. Watch God respond. His example can help us navigate a strained marriage. 

A friendship is two hearts taking the same journey together.

#1. Reflect on the journey of your friendship so far and identify where you’re at now.

“You have left the ancient road to follow an unknown path”  Jer. 18:15  (CEV)

First, find the ‘You are Here’ sign. God let Israel know where they were at in their journey with Him. Where are you at? Would you say you and God are close right now? Are you drifting apart? What are the signs of drifting?  Spiritual emptiness. Going through the motions. You don’t pray or listen or read His Word. You don’t trust Him. You’re angry at Him. You give in to sin easily. You’re bored with the things of God. You feel alone. Without hope.  

It’s a good question to ask in our relationships too. Where are you at in your relationship with your spouse?
If you’re lost, the first step to returning to your original location is to determine where you’re at right now.
If you’re sick, the first step toward health is to get a doctor’s thorough diagnosis. Find out what’s wrong!
Same with relationships. The first step to healing and reconciliation is a diagnosis. Find out what’s wrong!

To diagnose the source of the problem, a doctor will ask ‘What are your symptoms? Where does it hurt?
What’s your pain level? When did you first notice symptoms? Do you know what triggers your symptoms?’
Doctors identify symptoms to learn what’s going on in our bodies. Only then can they prescribe treatment.

Likewise, we must learn what’s going on in our relationships. What are the signs of a couple drifting apart?  
Do you see any of these symptoms in your marriage? Be brutally honest. Does your spouse? Does God?  

Lack of intimacy. Less time together. You don’t talk as much. Increased conflict. Emotional distance. Stress.
No future plans. Fewer shared interests. Disrespect. Feeling judged. Trust issues. Disagree a lot. Loneliness.
Loss of affection. Sexual intimacy is absent or a source of tension. Absence of laughter. You feel like strangers.
You stop investing in the marriage. Prioritizing other things over your spouse. Loss of attraction.

In Dennis Rainey’s book ‘Lonely Husbands, Lonely Wives’, spouses list what it felt like as they began to drift apart.
“I feel like my spouse isn’t listening. That they don’t want to understand me. Like I can never please them or meet their expectations. I feel emotionally disconnected. Like we’re together yet all alone. Each going our own way. Each pretending that all is well. Avoiding conflict. Trying to preserve what we’ve secretly given up on. We’re weary of trying. We’re hurt. Angry. Disappointed. The thrill of first love has faded. The joy and passion of first love has been replaced with judgment, tension, silence, anger, boredom, apathy…”

#2: Remember what your journey of friendship was like when it started.

"I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride
you loved me and followed me through the desert”  
Jeremiah 2:2

God looks back with fond memories of the days when Israel loved Him like a bride who followed Him intently.
Do you recall a time in life when you felt much closer to God than you ever had before? For me, it was during Bible College. I grew up in a pastor’s home and arrived at school thinking I knew a lot about God. But knowing about Him is not the same as knowing Him. Apart from my studies, I felt pulled to John's Gospel which I had read a lot. I resisted at first as I had read it often. But I jumped in. This time I asked God to show me His heart as I read.

And He did! He opened the eyes of my heart and showed me His. It lit a fire in me! I grew restless in my hunger to know God. I took late night walks in nearby hills. Pouring out my heart in prayer. Listening for His in the Word. The hills were my ‘tent of meeting’. A place to meet God. Life was simple. All I wanted was God. I felt a holy indifference to everything else. Once you see the glory of God in His Son, 'the things of earth grow strangely dim’.
 
God remembers those late night walks too. He treasures those memories of our heart to heart talks in the hills of Ohio. But here’s the beautiful part. When I later strayed from our close friendship in pursuit of ministry goals, He didn't stop pursuing me. And guess what He used to draw me back to Him. Memories of those late night walks.

Remembering woke my heart up! It's the same in a marriage. Take time to recall what your friendship was like when your journey first started. I have so many sweet memories of our first years together. Long talks late into the night. Talks about the Lord we both love. Singing. Laughter. A long road trip. Heartfelt letters I treasure.

I also remember the emotions. I felt heard. Known. Deeply loved. I felt the freedom to be me. 'I think I love her!'
But more than the emotion, I remember our devotion. Vows of commitment that we made. And have kept.
 
Some say ‘I don’t want to remember our early love. It only makes the present reality all the more painful.’
Marital strain and loneliness is hard enough to live with now without being reminded of a love you no longer feel.
If someone tries to encourage you that God can restore the closeness you've lost, it's easy to respond like a barren woman responded to Elisha when he told her she would have a child. ‘Don’t raise my hopes!’ I understand that.
It feels easier to squelch desire than to hope. It’s too painful to start longing again, only to be disappointed.

I understand her fear of raised hopes. If you feel the same, I get it. And I have no pat answers or empty promises.
I don’t know why God allows the things He allows. I don’t know why He doesn’t protect us from all pain and loss. 
But one thing I do believe with all my heart: I believe He hurts over the pain we feel far more than we realize.

Our logic concludes that if He could have stopped it and didn’t, does He really care? Just because He’s all sovereign and allows things to take place we can’t understand, it doesn’t mean that He’s unaffected by it. In fact, His heart is the first to break. He feels deep pain over the very things He allows. He’s a father! A father who weeps.
Ok but how does this relate to the pain of a strained marriage? What affects you affects Him. Bring Him your hurt.

I realize that remembering the closeness that you used to enjoy can be painful. So can the longing it awakens. But
as appealing as it seems to your hurting heart and as logical as it is to your anxious mind, killing desire won’t help.
Why? Desires don’t die. They just go somewhere deeper and fester. Surfacing later in ways you'll likely regret.

Please don’t let past disappointment and hurt convince you to squelch your longings. Bring them to your father.
Also, don’t avoid taking trips down memory lane in your fear of reawakening desire for what you deem impossible.
What’s impossible with men is possible with God! I’m not promising anything by saying that. Only that the God who gave you those longings in the first place isn’t a cruel father. He won’t tease you with false hope. Turn to Him!

I think God told Israel His memories of their honeymoon season because memories have a way of awakening love.
Do u remember when you first noticed your spouse? Or what you felt as you started to like each other? We talk often of romantic passion, but never underestimate the power of simply being liked by a friend.  The pull of being liked was powerful in Jr. Hi. And it still is now. Regardless of your age. We like to be liked. We want to be wanted.

One reason we'd rather void remembering the early days is this: “She’s not the same woman I fell in love with!”
“He’s not the same man who swept me off my feet!” “She’s a different woman!” “He’s a different man!”

I get it. I’m not asking you to renew your vows tomorrow. Or take a 2nd honeymoon. Or fall in love again.
I am just asking you to consider the possibility that you can learn to like each other again. She may not seem like the same woman who first caught your eye. And he may look like the amazing guy you first fell in love with.

‘So Jack, then why do you think it’s even possible to start liking each other again?’ I’m glad you asked.
I can think of two reasons. #1. While we may be initially drawn to each other by outward appearance, that is not what couples build a close friendship on. Nor is it what convinces us to make a lifelong commitment to each other.

I once struggled with God's invisibility. Then I heard Leslie Weatherhead say that many can't imagine ‘walking with Jesus’ because it’s a friendship with an unseen person. They think it would be far easier if he were visible and here physically. He responded by saying,  'Any intimate human friendship is, in a real sense, friendship with an unseen person, and the ways of communicating through eye and ear and hand are not the most intimate ways.”

Many people know my wife. But I know her in a way no one else does. And I’m not referring to physical intimacy. I know her heart in a way you don’t. I know the unseen heart she’s never shown anyone else. I know what she loves and what she's like. That’s who I fell in love with and still love today. This unseen intimacy is the deepest intimacy.

Think about it. What is it you fall in love with when you fall in love with someone? You fall in love with a person. You may like her body, but it's her you love. You love her because you know her. In a way no one else does or can.

"Professor W.J Moulton once responded to a critic’s comment about a man who fell in love with a girl.
The critic said “I can’t see what he sees in her”.  No statement could be more literally true.
But what the critic cannot see, the lover can.   Because the lover is in communion with an unseen person.”
Leslie Weatherhead in ‘The Transforming Friendship’

To see a person is to see their heart. What they’re like. What they love. Their character. Their unique personality.
That’s who you fall in love with. The one you want to live your life with. The person you hope to grow old with. 

That’s what you’re seeing when you see the tear streaked face of a groom as his bride walks the aisle toward him.  Sure, he’s struck by her beauty. But even more so by the beautiful soul and best friend he gets to spend life with.

It's the heart we fell in love with. That gives me hope. Because that heart is still in there. Maybe hiding. But there.

There’s a 2nd reason I think it’s possible to fall in like again, even if you think ‘he isn’t the same person anymore!’ 
Why? He’s still likable. Give him a chance! This ‘new man’ in your house is a man you might actually like! After all, on the bad days, have you never daydreamed ‘maybe I need a different man’? Well guess what? You have one!
I know that isn't funny for some but I'm serious. There are things about this new man you can like. Some parts you can't like: anger, pride, rudeness. Shields to hide deeper issues. And behind those issues is the man you loved. 

I hear it now. “But she’s changed! She’s a totally different woman than the girl I was first attracted to!” Then why not get to know this totally different woman? I bet you can learn to like her. Plus you won't have to move out!
In all seriousness, I do believe that much of what attracted you to her in the first place is still in there and still beautiful. But like a beautiful wood floor covered over with carpet, her beautiful heart has likely been forced into hiding to protect herself. Just like yours has. All you see now is an overlay of defensiveness, resentment and anger.

If somehow by God’s grace, you could really listen and hear her heart and if she could hear yours. If you could learn the reasons for her pain and she learn the reasons for yours. Without defensiveness, lies or excuses. You may see her in a new light. If you could each explain why you’re so ‘different’ and apologize for the wounds caused by this new you. Perhaps each of you could catch a glimpse of that beautiful heart again. The one you fell in love with.

… who knows … ?

Next Post: Falling in like all over again Part 2
Brief Preview:
#3: Recognize where you began to journey separately. 
#4: Resume your journey together on mutual terms.
#5: Recover your ‘likability’ and rediscover theirs.